Days Ninety One - Ninety Six - Life is a blurr and Riley is sick

salm 103:1-5

 1 Praise the LORD, O my soul; 

       all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

 2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits-

 3 who forgives all your sins
       and heals all your diseases,

 4 who redeems your life from the pit
       and crowns you with love and compassion,

 5 who satisfies your desires with good things
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

I started to write this blog and then it got so I couldn't remember the details. But I do know that Riley has not been feeling well. The assumption has been that maybe my chemo problem was actually the flu, and now Riley has it. One thing for sure is that he has not energy. I've lost my support person. I don't know what we did on these days, but Riley did not go to work.

We watched baseball - always a good activity for sickos.




And the Mariners were doing well against the Kansas City Royals.



On Saturday Emily came over. We were baby-sitting, but I can't remember why. She was absolutely delightful, and to add to that she watched baseball with us. But before watching baseball I painted her nails for her. I put the deep pink on her toes - the one I bought in Paris, and then I explained to her that we don't put deep colors on our fingernails, but we put very light instead. She was good with that.




But one thing that I am looking forward to is camping with Annie and Corey in a yurt. They were going to go with Sarah, but something happened and she couldn't go. I think maybe Caleb got sick. So anyway, they asked me to go.

So that's all I can remember of details. But of non specifics, I do know that Riley has not not not been feeling well, and this is troubling.

Isaiah 12:2-3

"Behold, God is my salvation,

I will trust and not be afraid;

For the LORD GOD is my strength and song,

And He has become my salvation." 

Therefore you will joyously draw water

From the springs of salvation.

Days Eighty Five and Six - a new chemo - taxol - how will I fare?

Genesis 45:11  "There I will also provide for you, for there are still five years of famine to come, and you and your household and all that you have would be impoverished."'

So I'm done with the red stuff, and everyone says that the taxol is easier.  We shall see.  On Wednesday evening I took 5 steroid pills, and at eight in the morning on Thursday I took 5 more steroid pills.  I had forgotten to ask the doctor why I had to do this.  I don't like taking pills without knowing why, but I knew I had to take them anyway.  

My appointment this time was early - 9:00 or something.  They did all the usual things, take my blood, check my "vitals", then I talked with the doctor.  He hasn't seemed very cheery of late, which is disappointing.  He was such a funny doctor before.  I hope his lack of cheer has nothing to do with me.  He said that the tumor was smaller, and he suggested that the little tumors were turning into dead cells just hanging around.  Well that's gross.  He seemed in a bit of a hurry, so I didn't ask all the questions I wanted to ask - like what is the taxol going to do?  He did tell me the side affects, but I wanted to know the positive affects.  

I forgot to mention that Riley was with me because we didn't know what this new stuff would do to me.  But when we went upstairs to the "infusion suite" they explained that this was going to drip into me over about a 3 1/2 hour period, so after a little while Riley left.  But he did stay around long enough to see a student from the chiropractic college give me a food rub.  He explained why he was very gentle on some areas.  Riley seemed to pay close attention, since he's my primary foot rubber.

I was cold, so they gave me a heated blanket.  After I while I was very hungry - as I hadn't realized I would be there so long and I hadn't packed any food, not that there was anything I could pack.  I was so desperate that I ate peanut butter crackers.  They weren't too bad, but they certainly don't have what I'd call nutritious food in that place. I whiled away the time with various things, as I had my bag of things to do with me.   But eventually I began to realize that I was getting very very sleepy, and I didn't feel safe about driving. So I called Riley, and things worked out very well, and he arrived just as I was finished.

I'm pretty sure we went home and I took a bit of a nap. Then I think we went somewhere for lunch. But I don't remember the experience. I wish I could say that we went to MacMinnamin's where I shared a dungeon burger and fries with Riley, or that we went to the Pearl Bakery where I had a ham and fontina sandwich and loved it. But that's not the case. We went somewhere where I very slowly ate something I didn't like all that well, but with determination I got some of it down.   This is an effective way to lose weight, but not one I'd recommend.

I woke up and took Riley to work, and because of all the steroids I did have energy, so I'll bet I did something with Annie.  But I can't remember.  Later on in the evening Annie called to tell me that there is a sock convention in town, and that tomorrow they are holding a Guiness world record event to set the record for the most amount of women knitting for fifteen minutes without out any stops.  Well I told Annie that that was a be there event.  She then told me that we needed to pick up tickets for the event between 7 and 9 in the morning.  So I told her I'd pick her up at 8 the next morning, which I did.

Psalm 3:5  "I lay down and slept;

 I awoke, for the LORD sustains me."

The next morning I was full of energy - the steroids.  Kind of scary really.  I ate my oatmeal and we were off.  I'm not allowed to have my vitamins when taking chemo.  We got to the convention center and quickly obtained our tickets.  Then I think we drove Riley to work, and then we went to Starbucks because Annie hadn't eaten.  We had a pleasant time, but then we decided that we would go to the credit union cash machine to get cash, because $2 cash was required to get into the "market place" at the knitting convention.  There were three cash machines in a row, so we each had our own.  When Annie was done getting her cash she came to mine to see how I was doing.  I need some help (Riley's always the one who gets the cash).  Annie had to show me how to get my card back out.  At that point she suddenly panicked and started going frantically through her little purse looking for her card.  It wasn't there.  I spotted a man coming away from the machine she had been at and I ran after him to see if he had found a card in the machine.  He hadn't.  But then as we stood there on the sidewalk looking pretty flustered a man came and asked if we had lost a card.  He had turned it into the bank right next to the machines.  Well that was good to hear, but .....  because it wasn't our bank they had to shred the card after finding out who it belonged to.  All we could do was stand there and watch them put her card into the shredding machine.  So at that there was nothing to do but to go to our bank.  Turns out it was a good thing because there was a little problem with Annie's card, but she wasn't going to get a new one for two weeks.

After that misadventure we headed to the convention center and went to the market place.  I never saw so much sock wool at one time, but the vast majority of it was way to high priced for my Scottish blood.  But I did buy some wool from a place called WEBS that had great prices.  I got 10 balls of Misti Alpaca sport weight in dark green to make myself a cardigan.  It's awesome wool, 146 yards per 50 grams, and 6 stitches to the inch, and ..... it's sealed in a bag, thus providing moth protection.  Then we hurried on upstairs for the Guiness record event.

They were still trying to give away tickets, but there were a lot of people in the ball room.  We found a seat up towards the front and settled in.  It really was a fun event, and it was moderated by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, the person who organized the Knitting Olympics in 2006.  That was a very significant event for me, as my arm had just been operated on to re-attach two tendons in my right arm.  

Casting on at the start of the Olympics - right as they lit the torch.

I had to sleep on the couch in the living room so as to prevent rolling over on my shoulder.  My entire life was spent in the living room for about 12 weeks.  Competing in the knitting Olympics was great therapy for me, and I managed to knit a sweater I had always wanted to make.  It required that I knit a ball of wool a day.  I would get up in the morning, struggle with eating breakfast with my left hand, and then start knitting.  I managed to finish the sweater just in the nick of time.

Getting into the sweater wasn't easy, and my sling was only very temporarily off. The sweater needed to be finished before the torch was extinguished

.

The sweater fits me better, now that I've lost 30 pounds. But the hair doesn't look quite as good. So anyway, I have always had a fondness for Stephanie, because that really kept me going through a hard time.

So Stephanie and several other ladies were very funny that day. So here's a video I took of Stephanie - who's from Toronto.

Then, not long after this record was successfully broken, we headed out to go to the cancer clinic for my day-2 appointment. That took no time at all. Then Annie was hungry, so we went to McDonald's. I got four McNuggets and some fries and they tasted terrible, and I later put them in the garbage. But Annie got a nice lunch. Then we headed back to the convention center, because Annie wanted to go back to the "market place", because we really hadn't been there very long. While there Tiah called and said she wanted to join us. Now I have to say that by this time I was getting pretty tired, but I hung in there. We all went to check out the "sock knitting museum", and I must say it was pretty interesting. There were sock there that I recognized - either I had them in a book or I had seen them on the internet, especially socks by Nancy Buch (my favorite sock knitter) or by Cookie-A (my second favorite sock knitter).

Well we finally left, and I was really quite tired.  I went home and took a nap, and I can't remember what happened for the rest of the day, but I did come down with a fairly bad sore throat.  But then, after chemo I always get a sore throat.  I'm pretty sure I did something that evening.  That's because I tend to keep going, whether I should or not.

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Days Eighty Three and Four - Keeping busy to stay sane

"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

I'd had enough moping about and I needed to stay busy, and to keep eating.  My family really helped out in this area.  On Tuesday I'm not sure what I did in the morning, but I know that Claudia came with her friend to do some cleaning shortly after lunchtime.  But speaking of lunchtime, I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat in the house, so I just kind of layed around and felt hungry.

Zac with Caleb and Caleb's stuff, in May

Then shortly after Claudia left Zac and Caleb came by to visit.  They hadn't had lunch, so we soon went to lunch at Nicholas's, where we shared a mezza.  It's do nice that Zac doesn't seem to get tired of eating mezza, and that he's terrific about coming over to keep me company.  I must don't do so well all by myself for long.  Actually, I think that Zac has the same problem.  This works.  And it's so nice to eat a good lunch, even if it's at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Then I think that after lunch both Caleb and I needed a bit of a nap.  Then eventually Zac left to go get Sarah down town.

Caleb and Sarah

I'm not sure what we did for dinner, as I had eaten a late lunch, perhaps we went to ChaChaCha for a cheese quasadilla, I'm not sure.  But I do know that we watched a great baseball game.  The Mariners beat the Kansas City Royals 7 to 6 in a really sea-saw game in Kansas City.  And the pitcher was the Australian Ryan Rowland-Smith.  It's always good to see him do well.

Mariners' starting pitcher Ryan Rowland-Smith

Have I mentioned that I love baseball.

Wednesday my sister was due in town.  Now that's no small feat, as she and her daughter Clarice were driving up from Los Angeles.  The headed out on Tuesday, and were to stop in Ashland to see Much Ado About Nothing, which was set in Italy in the 1940s.  

Me and Clarice and Nancy and Beth,all trying to look as thin as possiple.

Zac and Caleb came by again (I think) and we went to eat at Petit Provence with Annie.  Zac had eaten already, but he was very willing to go to lunch with me.  I had a cup of soup, Annie had a cup of French onion soup, and Zac had a chocolate mouse dessert, and Caleb had a good time.  Afterwards we went to the toy store called Grasshopper, where I appreciated being about to sit down, and Caleb had a wonderful time.  It really is a nice children's store.  Zac bought Caleb a little wooden rattle that looked like a ladybug.  Unfortunately, when we got home the rattle came apart.  Not good.  Zac swept up all the little beads that were inside the rattle, and carefully separated them from what else got swept up by the sweeper.

Nancy and Sarah and a dinner party at my house.

Zac and Caleb and Annie left, and soon afterwards Riley arrived home early, which was so good of him, as we were going to be going to dinner with not only Nancy and Clarice, but my Mom and Dad, who always need to eat early because that's what really old people do.  I had it in mind that we would eat either at Pho Van or Nicholas's.  Everyone arrived shortly before six, and it was quickly agreed that we would go to Nicholas's.  That was great with me, and my Mom said it was fine with her.  We had taken my parents there in the winter, where we had to stand outside in the cold, and when we got inside it was of course loud and full of strange people.

Sarah and Zac and Caleb in Tennessee.

We all had a wonderful time at Nicholas's.  We ordered mezza for two, with a kafta and skewered lamb, spinach pie, and majadra.  We just about ate it all, and then we finished off with baklava, which my mother loved, as did Clarice.  I actually couldn't taste the baklava, and my mother quickly accepted the remains of mine.  My sister had also talked my Dad into a strawberry lemonade, which he insisted he didn't want, but I could see that he really liked it.  In the end my sister paid for the whole dinner, which had been her plan all along.  She was very delighted at how inexpensive the whole dinner was.  She was obviously coming at this from an L.A. point of view.  But then, it was inexpensive for six people.  It was most likely less that $30.

Clarice and her puppy.

It was so nice to get together with my sister, and I was in very good spirits when everyone left.  We then, of course, settle in to watch baseball - another good game.  The Mariners beat the Royals 11 to 6.

Seattle Mariners' Jack Wilson (brand new to the team) scores before the tag from Kansas City Royals catcher Miguel Olivo on a triple by Mariners' catcher Rob Johnson in the seventh inning.

Exodus 33:19

And [the LORD] said [to Moses], " I Myself will make all My goodness pass before you, and will proclaim the name of the LORD before you; and I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show compassion on whom I will show compassion.".

Day Eighty Two - an encouraging time

Deuteronomy 31:8

"The LORD is the One 

Who goes ahead of you; 

He will be with you 

He will not fail you or forsake you. 

Do not fear or be dismayed."

I got up this morning still determined I didn't need to go to the doctor, but Riley was more determined that I was going to the doctor, so okay.  The plan was that I would pick him up before I went.  He had a meeting that was too end not long before my appointment at 3 something.

Sometime during the day I took Riley to work, and then decided to go to Goodwill for a while.  Then I went home and fretted about most likely.  I do remember that by the time I left to get Riley I was in a stressed mood.  Riley called while I was on my way and we got into a tenseness while talking.  There was a misunderstanding somewhere.  I did appear to be a bit behind schedule, but that because the traffic was jammed up getting onto the freeway.

But as I was driving I was earnestly praying and asking God to please have the whole appointment be encouraging instead of discouraging, as it had been with the sonogram and the radiologist.  I was feeling desperately in need of encouragement.

My new rose - Jayne Austin - is doing very well.

But anyway, we got to the doctor's on time, and I was quickly shown into the little doctor room, where I said I didn't want to put on the "gown".  I was seen by the doctor's PA, whose name I can't remember at this moment.  She started out very pleasant and friendly, making me feel calm from the start.  I told her about the small lump on my side.  She felt it, and said it wasn't really anything.  Most likely a slightly inflamed node due to my shingles.  Nothing to worry about.  Then she said that she had seen the pictures from the sonogram and they looked good.  She could see that the tumor under my arm was smaller.  I asked about my breast and she said that it's hard to tell until the operation.  But she then said that it probably had dead cells in it, and that's why it doesn't seem smaller.  She did not seem the least bit worried about it.  Basically she was encouraging about everything.  She even said it was a good thing to take the milk thistle because it protects the liver.

Well I was now feeling much better.  She ended the appointment by saying that it was time that I get scheduled for talking with the doctor about my operation.  So she took me into the person who schedules such things.  The appoint is September 9th, and it was explained that the operation would be about a month later.  Well there, I finally had some idea of when I would be operated on.  It is inevitable.  No escaping it.

Food, glorious food!

So when we left the office I felt so much better I suggested we celebrate.  But how do you celebrate when you're on chemo.  Well I decided "what the heck", I want to have a frappaccino at Starbucks, and that just what I had.  I was ever to tasty.  I have on all the time if I didn't worry about it being bad for me.

Then I took Riley back to work.  At least I think that's what I did.  Do I suspect the fuzzy brain creeping in on me?  Then I think he later came home on the bus, and I suspect we went to ChaChaCha for a cheese quesadilla.  I like to eat food that I can file lots of things onto, so it's very moist.  Thought I don't like sour cream.  So in this case it's the salsa and the guacamole.  When I'm eating the Lebanese food, it's the tsatziki and the tabbouleh, and then not the humus, which is like paste in my mouth.  I am soooooooooo looking forward to just plain enjoying all foods!

"Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."   Philippians 2:1-4

Days Seventy Eight to Eighty One - Struggling with ups and downs

 Psalm 55:4-6

My heart is in anguish within me,

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me. 

Fear and trembling come upon me,

And horror has overwhelmed me. 

I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest. 

After my visit to the dour radiologist I have struggled to keep myself from depression.  He was so cheerless, so unencouraging, so impersonal. On Thursday I think I slept a great deal. This is always a response to depression. I did crossword puzzles, read Angela's Ashes (now there's a book that can be depressing or distressing), But I did try and bet out some.

Eating has become a huge struggle. Just trying to get anything down. It's not that it doesn't stay down, it just won't go down. I don't have properly working saliva glands. But I think on Thursday I picked up Annie in the early afternoon. She was hungry and suggested we go out to eat. Somehow we ended up going to Best Baguette, a Vietnamese sandwich shop. I didn't know what to get, but I figured I could mooch off of some of Annie's food. I did order a boba, which I thought was a fruit smoothie. But when I went over to the pick-up counter I saw the girl put into the blender ice and strawberry syrup. Absolutely no strawberries. I did taste good, but I knew it wouldn't be good for me, so I only ate about 20% of it. I also ate a bit of meat from Annie's sandwich, and a whole bag of the veggies that go with the sandwich, minus the jalapenos and cilantro.

So then we decided that maybe I would really like a Jamba Juice drink. The only place I knew to find that was over by IKEA, so off I headed. It was seeming important to me that I get proper nourishment. I got one to which I added some vitamins and some whey powder. To me it tasted pretty good. Annie said it tasted odd to her. Then we went to IKEA, where we sat in the restaurant. Annie got coffee and cake. I drank my juice, but I was getting very cold, so when I was finished we then walked the store, which is always enjoyable. I showed Annie the couch they had that has the exact same cover that our IKEA couch in Hong Kong had. She was surprised and pleased as we had been to see it. What fun!.

Can you believe I once owned a sofa like this. It was so comfortable in 1980. It was in Hong Kong, and I was exhausted from our 23 hour plane flight with four children (three in diapers), and I just needed a comfortable place to sit, as we had hardly any furniture in our flat. We all loved it, but one day, back in America, I loaned it to some missionary friends and told them I wanted it back before they left the country. Well it's now in Austria. I was not happy about losing that sofa.

I don't know what happened the rest of the day, but I know I didn't eat any more food. Somehow I think Riley went out to Burger King for a hamburger. Wouldn't I love to do that. My favorite is a whopper junior, minus pickles, plus jalapenos, with mustard and extra tomatoes. But I know absolutely I couldn't eat that now. The jalapenos alone would be my undoing.

Friday was just as depressing, if not more so. But I do remember that Riley and I did go out in the afternoon. We went back to Jamba Juice, so I could eat something. Then we went to Marshal's for a bit, where I found a cocoa pot that matched one of my dishes set. That was nice. I already had the teapot, So now I can serve two beverages with the set. Though it's not like I have a lot, because I've gotten it at Goodwill a bit at a time. I guess I'm just a magpie at heart. Then we went to walk around IKEA. We didn't buy anything that I know of.

Then I think we went over to my brother Bill's house. I can't be certain about times. But anyway, just Jill was there at first, and we sat around and chatted about their new remodel and all kinds of things. And then eventually Bill showed up. We talked about this and that, and then I asked him to pray before we left. And he prayed big time. That's so nice. They also gave me a piece of material from the dress Jill wore for Ian's wedding. They had a good friend who's know for his praying for the sick, and he prayed over the piece of material. That was a special thing.

Acts 19:11-12

"God was performing extraordinary miracles by the hands of Paul, so that handkerchiefs or aprons were even carried from his body to the sick, and the diseases left them and the evil spirits went out."

Then, after leaving Bill and Jill's, we went to Ken's Artisan Pizza, because I thought Riley deserved to eat something he really likes. Unfortunately I can't really eat the food there. Pizza goes over like a lead balloon, I don't care how good it is. And we forgot to ask for light dressing on the salad, which made it rather strong for me. But food aside, we had a very nice time.

Unfortunately I had a terrible time with my shingles that night. I couldn't tell what body part was really hurting. It was as though the pain was radiating out. Oh, and I forgot to mention, earlier in the day I had noticed a kind of lump on my left front side. Riley could feel it also, as could Jill. So that was freaking me out. Riley called the doctor and made an appointment with the PA for Dr. Johnson. I was really in a panic about the whole thing. So when I woke up the next morning (that's assuming I actually got to sleep), I decided to hardly eat at all. I thought maybe the problem was my digestive system being attacked by the chemo. It wasn't hard to hardly eat at all, but not necessarily good for me.

I just laid about for a lot of Saturday, kind of moaning silently to myself and panicking about having to go to the doctor. I kept coming up with a good reason why I didn't need to go to the doctor. I slept and read and moped. Eventually I sent Riley out to dinner with Annie. They went to Pasta Pastini. That's not the real name of the restaurant, but that's what we call it. I knew I couldn't stand to go there because it would smell like garlic.

Psalm 147:1

  

Praise the LORD! 

How good it is to sing praises to our God, 

How pleasant and fitting to praise Him!

Sunday morning we went to church. We didn't really eat before hand. Then after church, while standing out on the sidewalk talking to people, I suddenly felt very faint. The kind of faint where you think maybe you are starving. I absolutely had to go sit down, and we went and sat in the car. We talking with Heidi for a while, but then I knew I needed to eat. We went home and I had a custard. Then we watch baseball. Good old baseball! And then Ken and Marilyn showed up and we all went to Petite Provence for lunch, where I had chicken soup. Unfortunately there was a lot of chicken in the soup. I would have preferred to get chicken soup where I ended up with mostly veggies. But what wasn't chicken was good.

After lunch we all went to an open house. A house I had wanted to see inside of since I was very young. It seems that in our neighborhood someone build several radically modern houses up on Alemeda ridge. I used to walk past a couple on my way to first grade. Even at that young age I knew the houses were very different. So it was a really treat to see one. It seems it had only had three owners in all those years. It was very modern, had a very incredible view, and I'd never want to live there. For starters, there were almost no walls for art. And also, if it snowed you were completely stuck in the house, as the walk up to the house was so steep.

Isaiah 2:22

Stop trusting in man,
  who has but a breath in his nostrils.
  Of what account is he?

Then we went home, and I'll bet I took a nap. I don't know what else happened that day, but I do know that Riley said he was determined that I should go to the doctor, even though I didn't want to. But of course I didn't want to go because I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to doctors. I don't want to hear any bad news. I spent a lot of time reading my Bible before going to sleep. I also probably read some of Angela's Ashes, even though I know it's sad, and I should be reading funny stuff.

Psalm 86

 1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, 

       for I am poor and needy.

 2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to You.
       You are my God; save Your servant
       who trusts in You.

 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
       for I call to You all day long.

 4 Bring joy to Your servant,
       for to You, O Lord,
       I lift up my soul.

 5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
       abounding in love to all who call to You.

 6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
       listen to my cry for mercy.

 7 In the day of my trouble I will call to You,
       for You will answer me.

 8 Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
       no deeds can compare with Yours.

 9 All the nations You have made
       will come and worship before You, O Lord;
       they will bring glory to Your name.

 10 For You are great and do marvelous deeds;
       You alone are God.

 11 Teach me Your way, O LORD,
       and I will walk in Your truth;
       give me an undivided heart,
       that I may fear Your name.

 12 I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
       I will glorify Your name forever.

 13 For great is Your love toward me;
       You have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 

 14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
       a band of ruthless [demons] seeks my life—
       [beings] without regard for You.

 15 But You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
       slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

 16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
       grant Your strength to Your servant..  

 17 Give me a sign of Your goodness,
       that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
       for You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.