Day Seventeen and Eighteen - A wonderful visit with David and Lauren

Numbers 6:24-26

The LORD bless you, and keep you; 


The LORD make His face shine on you,


And be gracious to you; 


The LORD lift up His countenance on you,


And give you peace.'

Saturday started out great.  The sky was blue, and I felt pretty good.  I took my time getting up, and I knew that Riley was intent on getting flowers planted.  I simply did not feel like working in the garden.  So I went and sat in the back room for a leisurely breakfast.  The sliding door to the garden was open, and I could hear Riley talking to someone.  Not too much later Riley came to the door and said, "Molly, Rodney Colton is here."  Well what a surprise.  He and I were in grade school together.  He often sat in front of me because the nuns always sat children in alphabetical order, and my last name was Crary.  But the reason he was here is because we live in the house he grew up in.  He was terribly grown up looking.  He was kind of a Beaver Cleaver kind of kid, but no buck teeth though.  You know, just a pleasant ordinary kind of kid.  I escorted him around the first floor, pointing out all the things I knew were quite different from when he lived here.  He said it was his dad who put in the pool, mostly by himself.  That's pretty amazing.  He thought that was about 1959.  He said that in those days the pool was heated, and he wouldn't swim in it unless the temperature got up to 80 degrees.  I really don't like swimming in a pool that hot, so I'm really glad the heater is gone.

Then after a while Ken and Marilyn Yeaton stopped by, and I convinced Riley to get cleaned up and go for coffee/tea with us over at Pete's.  We wanted to walk, but Riley didn't, so the three of us headed out, and Riley got cleaned up and drove over.  It was a lovely morning for a walk.  When we got home, the Yeatons left, and we had lunch.  And then I set about repairing my Christian Dior nightgown.  I've had it a very long time, and when it falls apart I just fix it.  Because of the difficulty I've had sleeping and easily turning over in bed of late, the lace on the from was quite torn up.  But after working on it for over an hour it looked perfect.  Riley bought the nightgown as a wedding anniversary present, and of course I don't know how much he spent, but given how well it has stood up, and that is Christian Dior, it must have been of good quality.

Then we got packed, and loaded up the car to go visit David and Lauren.  We got on the road at about 3, and got there just a little after 5:30.   At least I think that's how it went.  David had made a Mexican drink for us all, but I just drank my water, which was in my new hard plastic Starbucks cup that's made to look like a cold beverage throw-away cut.  Riley had bought it for me this morning, because he knew i liked it.  I think he had to go to three Starbucks before he found one.  Apparently they're very popular.  We all sat on the patio and talk a lot about cancer.  Well the one with the most to say is Lauren of course, because she's gone through it.

David, their daughter Sophie, and Lauren

One of the things we talked a lot about was "chemo brain".  That is something that was really worrying me, and it turned out that that had really worried Lauren also.  Lauren has a PhD, and I have two masters degrees, so obviously it matters to us that our brains are working.  She said that "chemo brain" is in fact a real thing, and you just get slow and can't quite remember things.  But she also said that it does gradually go away.  She didn't think she was yet completely free of "chemo brain", but other people seemed to think she was fine.  When I told Marilyn about it she was thrilled to think that for a period of time she would be able to beat me at Scrabble.  We'll see.

They fed us a lovely dinner of barbecued chicken strips, potatoes cooked on the barbecue while wrapped in aluminum foil, and barbecued asparagus.  I didn't eat all my dinner, but that didn't mean I didn't like it.  David let me spoil myself by giving me the lion's share of the asparagus.  We continued to talk a lot, but soon it was cold and time to go in.  We ate dessert of rhubarb cake - a recipe I hope to get some time - and we played cards.  But before we played cards Lauren gave me some presents.  First some scarves, but not the ones she wore herself when she didn't have any hair, because she had given them to a cancer center.  One of the scarves is a beautiful shawl, that looks like it would be ever so comforting to wear while sitting around rather miserable from chemo.  And she gave me the catalogue that she got her scarves from, and it turned out that one of them was one I almost ordered on line.  She also pointed out that i could order bangs.  I'll have to think about that.  One problem is will they have auburn bangs.  And then she gave me a very funny book about having cancer called It's Not About the Hair by Debra Jarvis, an oncology chaplain in Seattle.  So far I've really enjoyed that book.

We played a very strange came called Fuz - well I think that's the name. It's a game that you don't know the rules of until the rule cards appear. It was certainly a very interesting game, but it will take we a while to really understand what was going on. Well I'm not really sure about the name, but I'm pretty sure it was a short name and started with F. See this is me without even contracting "chemo brain" yet. I could be in trouble. Then we taught David and Lauren how to play 10-1. Lauren didn't win, but she was really catching on and wanted to play another game. If I didn't have cancer I surely would have, but it was 11:20 and I thought I better get to sleep. I had forgotten my "be calm" pill at home, but Lauren had some, and put them on the desk in our bedroom just in case I needed them. Well not long after I was in bed I thought of something Lauren had said and it seemed like maybe they do the surgery on you while you are just numbed and not out and that sent my heart racing. So after about a half hour of that I got up and took a pill. Boy was I glad of that. I then went to sleep soon after.

We got up before David and Lauren, but they were up soon afterwards. We all lounged about for a while, then Lauren and I went for a walk, while Riley and David did crossword puzzles. When we got back we went out for breakfast. I had granola and tea, and the others had fancy egg dishes. Afterwards, we went to a farmers market, where Riley and I bought some plants. I had thought it would be nice to have some hanging flower baskets outside the dining room, but they are so expensive. So it was decided we could make them. I picked out three pots of a lovely pink flower that I liked in some of the baskets at the market. Riley bought ferns, which always seem to fascinate him. I think out last stop was a grocery store. Lauren had hoped to buy a gallon of really good milk at the market, but they were out, so she needed to get it at the store. This is because we were going to make mozzarella.



When we got home, I said I was going to lay down for 20 minutes, but I was out for 45 minutes. In the meantime, David went out and bought a push mower, and when I got up Riley and Lauren were in the garage assembling it. When Riley and David went to the from yard to do yard work, and Lauren and I made cheese. I think I will put this event on Molly loves Paris, or on Molly's Recipes. The cheese was really easy to make, and tasted great. Then we all sat down to play cards and eat mozzarella and whole wheat baguette slices. We played two games of 10 to 1, and I think Riley won one, and Lauren won one, and David is still working on his strategy. It was a lot of fun, and we laughed a lot.

Proverbs 17:22 

A cheerful heart is good medicine,

but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Then Riley said he thought it was time we headed home, but Lauren asked if I'd like to go with her to Marshall's, and that's what we did. She wanted to find some short summer pants, and she tried on a bunch of them, but they were all wrong. Then we poked around, and we both bought and apron timer, and I bought an 11 inch tart pan and some hand soap for the upstairs bath room. Then shortly after we got back, Riley and I headed for home. I think it was close to 5. We had a very peaceful ride back, but when we got home I was tired and laid down for a while, and then we had a real struggle as to what to have for dinner. Somehow we ended up going to Taco del Mar with Annie and Corey. Then we came home and I fell asleep during the baseball game. It had been a really lovely weekend.

Psalm 28:6-7

Blessed be the LORD,


Because He has heard the voice of my supplication. 


The LORD is my strength and my shield;


My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;


Therefore my heart exults,


And with my song I shall thank Him.

Day Sixteen - Luncheon with the Girls and Blakes 50th birthday

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard?

The Everlasting God, the LORD, 

the Creator of the ends of the earth

Does not become weary or tired 

His understanding is inscrutable. 

He gives strength to the weary,

And to him who lacks might He increases power. 

Though youths grow weary and tired,

And vigorous young men stumble badly, 

Yet those who wait for the LORD

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.

So today I've agreed to go to a luncheon of women I know who have had or who have cancer. I hope it all goes well. Large groups of women make me nervous. Large groups of men don't make me uncomfortable. In part I chalk this up to having 6 brothers, and to the fact that I adore my father. I've been told that I learned to walk at an officers meeting. But I've always thought that I need to feel at ease around women my age. My daughters are always telling me that I need to have more self-confidence (something like that).

Psalm 18:2-3

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,


My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;


My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 


I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,


And I am saved from my enemies.

Psalm 31:14-24

But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD,

I say, "You are my God." 

My times are in Your hand;

Deliver me from the hand of my enemies 

     and from those who persecute me. 

Make Your face to shine upon Your servant;

Save me in Your lovingkindness. 

Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I call upon You;

Let the wicked be put to shame, let them be silent in Sheol. 

Let the lying lips be mute,

Which speak arrogantly against the righteous

     with pride and contempt. 

How great is Your goodness,

     which You have stored up for those who fear You,

     which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You,

     before the sons of men! 

You hide them in the secret place of Your presence 

     from the conspiracies of man;

You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues. 

Blessed be the LORD,

     For He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me 

          in a besieged city. 

As for me, I said in my alarm,

     "I am cut off from before Your eyes";

Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications

     When I cried to You. 

O love the LORD, all you His godly ones!

The LORD preserves the faithful

     And fully recompenses the proud doer. 

Be strong and let your heart take courage,

     All you who hope in the LORD.

LORD, I pray that Riley will really sense Your presence today, and Your lovingkindness. Please let him know that You are there with him, and that You care about him.  He is feeling badgered on all sides, and beaten down.  I don't know if his fears are real or not, but You know Lord.  Thank You LORD for Your care for him.  And thank You LORD for all that You do for us.

After giving Riley a ride to work I came home and washed my hair. And when I was ready I went over to visit Annie and Emily. Emily was soooo sweet, and she sat on my lap almost the whole time. I can tell she misses me, and I certainly miss her. She asked if she could come visit at my house. Maybe on Monday I can take her down town with me to pick up the necklace at the Jewelry store. It's custom make. But I could only visit for a half hour, as I was to be at a luncheon in Clackamas, 15 miles away.

On the way there I remembered that I forgot my "calm" pill, and my special Dior nail polish, as I had a pedicure scheduled for 3:00. So I knew I'd have to leave early. Lots of people seemed glad to see me, but some of them I hadn't seen in so long I didn't know if I knew them or not. There was a delicious fruit platter, and a very tasty corn and bean salad, but the rest of the food seemed pretty much off limits. When I got home I made myself a vegemite sarnie. I stayed very calm at the event, but I didn't feel the least bit connected with anyone except a delightful great-grandmother from Redding named Ruth.

On the way out of the area I got lost as usual. Suburbia is simply not my genre. But it wasn't too long before I got it straightened out. I called Riley, and before we had talked very long he hung up on me. A while later I called him and he quickly said "I can't talk" Now those two incidences really freaked me out. Was he in the process of losing his job? Would he loss his insurance? I felt that would be the end of me, the end of life as we knew it. Does God want to drag me through even more troubles. So as soon as I got home I took a "calm" pill. That did help a lot. I think I need to give some "calm:" pills to Riley. He's got a new boss, and he does not do well in the beginning of new situations.

Got home, got my Dior vernis en Palmier which I bought in Paris, and headed to the spa. The Lord gave me a wonderful parking spot, and I got to my appointment just in time. My pedicurist was a delightful young woman, and I really enjoyed myself. She was extremely intelligent, and enjoyed talking on any subject. I thought she was in her 20s, but she was in her early 40s. The pedicure lasted almost 75 minutes. They are usually 45 minutes. She did a perfect job on my toenies, and I am so glad to now have my favorite nail color for the summer. The last time I had a pedicure I forgot my polish and had to go with one of their colors, and that was rather disappointing to say the least. I then sat in the peaceful waiting area until it was time for me to pick up Riley at work.  On the way to the car I stopped in at Moonstruck Chocolates and bought the hottest truffle they had, had them put it into a little box, and the she put it into one of their bags with a handle with navy blue tissue paper.  This was to be a birthday present for Blake.

We rest a bit when we got home.  I think I tried to nap, but it didn't take. So I insisted that Riley put on more comfortable clothes. He was worried that because we were going to a club in the West Hills that he shouldn't wear jeans. This is Oregon for goodness sake.

Blake reading to Charles and Emily at Thanksgiving

The club was in Highland Hills, I think just about where I used to take riding lessons at Highland Riding Academy. It was a really lovely setting, small but elegant. The party was down by the pool, and there were maybe 10 of us, if you don't count children. There was definitely more food that I could eat than I had experienced earlier in the day. One of the couples turned out are missionaries with OM, the one and only mission agency that would take us, and they knew all the people in OM that we knew and mentioned to them. That was so amazing. She was very delightful to talk with, and she said she wanted to talk with me more, so she's going to e-mail me. The whole meeting seemed rather providential. Not long after the cake was served (I didn't have any), I began to get cold. The Epic Imaging people had called me earlier today telling me that I mustn't get cold before being scanned on Monday, so we decided to leave. It was a fun party, and I'm glad we went. But by the time we got home I was so tired I could hardly watch Jeopardy, let alone the ball game, which was a good one. I pretty much slept through it. Then when the game was over Riley shuffled me off to bed.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

 and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls."  

Matthew 11:28-29

Day Fifteen - the dentist ☹

Psalm 9:9-10

 The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed,

A stronghold in times of trouble; 

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, 

For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You. 

I never like going to the dentist - not even the hygienist.  Riley seems to like it, but then he didn't start out life being quite literally tortured by the dentist.  My first trip to the dentist was a six.  The dentist was drilling my cavity with no pain killer and using a slow drill.  So half way through he decided he couldn't handle me any more and gave my mother the name of a child specialist.  Well that was like going from the frying pan into the fire.  Dr Erwin was terrible.  If you fussed at all he slapped your knuckles against the wooden arm of the chair.  It got so I never wanted to go down town with my mother out of fear that she was going to take me to the dentist.  I think I was about 21 when I finally experienced Novocaine, and that was almost worse than Dr. Erwin.  The dentist that time was a friend of my parents, and I think he was definitely an incompetent.    Finally, by the time I was 24 and had a mouth full of cavities, I found my own dentist and he was absolutely wonderful.  But unfortunately he retired early from private practice to go teach at the dental school.  It's been touch and go with dentistry for me ever since.



But anyway, today Riley, rightly so, made me go get my teeth cleaned and my mouth check.  Everything went okay, if you don't count my constantly telling the hygienist to take it easy.  Dr Gross (who I do respect) said that there were no serious problems in my mouth that couldn't wait until I was done with the cancer.  Praise the Lord.

After the dentist I went to Pack West Starbucks to have iced tea with Riley. I had them leave the sugar out of the iced tea. We did the puzzles in the paper, but by the time I got to the sudoku I could see that Riley was stressing about getting to work, so we kissed good bye and off he went. I worked a little longer on the puzzle, and then I decided to go to the Madison Avenue jewellery store upstairs. It's a store owned by two really nice women. They are having a necklace made for me in a design I came up with, but though they thought it would be in today, the jewelry maker didn't like the chain when it was finish, and she was getting another one. So instead the three of us sat around and talked and had a great time.

Then I went out and called Sarah, because I knew that she was due to have her PhD test review at 12:30. I thought maybe we could have lunch together, as I was down town. She thought that was a great idea, but she was just taking Caleb to where he was to be baby sat. I decided that I'd lave enough time to get my car out of the parking garage and up by Portland State, but as I was getting into my car Sarah called to say she didn't think there'd be enough time. So I went to Goodwill instead. I hadn't been there in a long time. I bought a bunch of nice head scarves - they had a bigger selection than usual. And I bought two tiny tart pans - the kind you need for making don tots. And a very interesting book about Alice in Wonderland, and a book entitled Still Glides the Stream which is an accompaniment or sequel to one I have called Lark Rising to Candleford.

I then went to a knitting store on Alberta that I knew carried Louisa Harding wool, and I bought two sceines of yarn to make a floppy tam for myself in a color somewhat similar to the color of my hair. The pattern for the tam is in the knew knitting book I bought yesterday. They had in the store the hat made up. I decided that whoever made it was a bit skimpy with the wool, so now I know to make the crown taller. Then I went home to eat lunch. In the mailbox was my new pills from Jill called Neutraferon - for the immune system. I know that the chemo people don't want me taking something like that when I taking chemo, but I'll take as much as I can before hand, so I'll have as good an immune system as I can get. It is so hard to get these different doctor types to agree with each other, or to decently confer with each other. Nutrition IS very very important!

After a good lunch, I took a two hour nap, and that felt really good.  Then I made myself a smoothie or yogurt, milk, strawberries, cantaloupe, a bit of brewers yeast and ground flax seed.  And then my sister called, and we chatted for quite a while, until our phones died.  Then we both connected our phones to their charges and finished the call.

Riley got home a bit late, we ate, and then we walked over to Whole Foods, because we hadn't taken a walk this morning.  Then after putting the groceries away, I made a fruit salad of a kiwi, a banana, and a bit of cantaloupe and a dollop of that lovely yogurt.  Riley's now falling asleep while watching a pretty good baseball game.  The Mariners are ahead by 3.  But Riley wants to go to bed.  I'm delighted to not be so tired at this point.  But I do need all the sleep I can get.

Psalm 59:16-17

But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength;

Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,

For You have been my stronghold

And a refuge in the day of my distress. 

O my strength, I will sing praises to You;

For God is my stronghold, 

the God who shows me lovingkindness.

Day Fourteen - Chemo Class

"Behold, God is my helper;


The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.

He will recompense the evil to my foes;

Destroy them in Your faithfulness."

Psalm 54:4-5

Riley and I started out the day nice and easy. After we'd eaten and watered plants and got laundry started, we walked on over to Pete's, I bought an iced tea, and we did the puzzles in the paper. By the time we got back home we were almost late. I told Riley to go shower and shave, while I started lunch. I put it all in baggies. I think I need to get myself an insulated lunch bag, becasue I don't think this will be the last time I need to bring my lunch with me. I can't just eat anything. I'm really concerned about eating while chemo is surging through my body. I hear it makes everything taste yucky and metalic.

Everything about cancer is scarry. A class is scarry. You know they're going to tell you more than you want to know, or that you know will now plague your mind. Riley decided to take the day off and be with me. He know I probably wouldn't listen probably in class. What he didn't know was that I'd probably ask more questions than the teacher could handle. And that was when I got the really discouraging info. The teacher herself had had chemo, and she said it makes you brain less than it was before. If you could process 5 things at a time before, afterwards you can only handle about 2 things at a time. She didn't even have any explanation as to why it impairs your brain!!

So I'm not going to just stand still and let my brain be damaged. It's amazing what people will put up with. It was like no big deal to the nurse. But for starters I will see to it that I use my brain as much as I can. To puzzles, read hard to read books, get involved in weighty conversations. Whatever it takes.

After leaving the cancer clinic we went to the Pearl, and went to Powell's, where I bought two knitting books. Both were at used prices. One was by Louisa Harding, a designer I really like, and the other was by Lucinda Guy, which contains a little boys sweater with a steam shovel on it, along with many other cute and amusing things. Then we went across the street and bought a new seive, as my old one was is over 40 years old, and was really bothering Riley. Then, lastly, we stopped at Anthropologia, where Riley got the perfect shaving mug, with an R on it.

Somehow we ended up eat out at Nicholas' Restaurant (Syrian food). It was okay, but not as satisfying as my really healthy food. By the time we got home we had enough energy to watch Jeapordy and an inning of baseball. Then I went straight to bed. Nothing like sleep. Aaaaah.

Psalm 127: 1-2

Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.

Day Thirteen - One just keeps on keeping on

.

1 Chronicles 20:13-17

All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones, stood there before the LORD.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite and descendant of Asaph, as he stood in the assembly.

He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

Riley and I started the day with tea, and then we remembered we needed to go for a walk, and we did, going about 1 1/2 miles.  Then we had breakfast.  I've been eating muesli and fruit every morning.  I hope that's okay.  The cereal isn't organic, but it's healthy raw bits.  Today I added a dollop of organic yogurt and an organic banana.  Pretty soon I won't even have to add the word organic, because everything I eat will be organic.  I am so surprised to find out that organic is usually just a little more expensive that the non-organic.  Everyone should start eating organic - I'm serious.  Those chemicals that the put on our food are terrible.  And if you eat less meat and fish, that pays for the extra - well mostly.  Actually not eating out will cover it all.

Somehow today I began to panic early.  I think it was because Riley was working on finding out when the rest of my test will be.  He never was able to get a hold of the nurse to find out, which made him very agitated, and his agitation certainly didn't help me.  So I took one of my "calm" pills, and it last most of the day.  But then Riley came home still in a dither about it all, and so I think I need another "calm" pill.  But I didn't take it.

In the morning I picked up Sarah at her car place, well actually a few blocks away, as Sarah doesn't hold still, and I guess I was just a little slow getting there.  We headed back home, but stopped at Trader Joe's to see what kind of organic food we could find.  We found all kinds of things.  Upon getting home, and getting all the food in the house and put away (actually Sarah did that), I went up stairs and decided I needed to take a shower, and then, when I'd gotten my hair dried, I was so tired I just laid down and went right to sleep for I don't know how long.  I sure needed that.

While I was asleep Annie and Emily came by, and then they went on a very long walk with Corey.  Emily fell asleep.  I hope someone changed her diapers somewhere along the way.  Sarah had put Caleb down for a nap, but Corey managed to wake him back up and it took Sarah a half hour to get him back to sleep.

I made myself a great sandwich with organic 9 grain bread, organic cream cheese, smashed black beans, sliced up organic cherries tomatoes, and organic lettuce.  Accompanied by organic baby carrots and organic red grapes.  I am so surprised at how delicious this healthy food is.  I feel really silly for not having gone this route earlier.  I've lost 5 pounds and I feel like I'm eating like a horse.

Eventually Caleb woke up, and Sarah and I headed out.  First we got her car, and then the two of us went to Fabric Depot, because I wanted to get some patterns for making chemo type scarves, and I got a pattern for a Victorian nightcap, and some ecru lawn to make it out of.

In the evening Riley and I walked over to Whole Foods for some whole wheat tortillas, and we had quesadilla for dinner. They were very yummy. I put in smashed black beans, organic salsa, a few slices of organic sweet potato that I had baked the day before, and organic jack cheese, the a pile of lettuce. Riley felt a little deprived of food, but he doesn't look deprived.

We then did our usual of watching the baseball game, and I fell sound asleep. I'll admit that sleep is a bit of escapism. If your sound asleep you don't think of all the terrible things that might happen.

"Peace I leave with you; 

My peace I give to you; 

not as the world gives do I give to you 

Do not let your heart be troubled, 

nor let it be fearful." 

John 14:27

Day Twelve - Memorial Day

"Behold, God is my salvation,


I will trust and not be afraid;


For the LORD GOD is my strength and song,


And He has become my salvation."

Isaiah 12:2

Today is the day that we remember those who have died, particularly in war. Well for me that's a very significant day, but it's not easy remembering my father who died in Korea. Thinking about him is easy, but remembrances aren't.

All the other relatives of mine that have died have been very old. My grandfather who died the youngest was 84, and his mother died at 96. The other's fell in between. But my father was kill at the age of 29. In my mind he is the most wonderful person in my life. This is because I never had an opportunity to see him be less that perfect in my eyes. This is a remarkable thing, really. How many people have such a perfect earthly father. Very few, I should imagine. And luckily I many memories of him. All of them locked away very nicely in my mind.

1Lt. William B. Crary

Killed in action September 14, 1950

Admittedly, if he had remained alive my life would have been much different, and I probably would have seen him be imperfect. I've always missed him, because I always thought that he would love me better than anyone else. I missed how he taught me the important things in life, like how to make a snowman, or how to whistle, or how to blow bubble gum. And most important of all, how to appreciate baseball. But I guess he got the basics in before God took him home. I'm looking forward to seeing him in heaven, and that's forever.



Riley and I had a very nice day, though I did have to take one of my "calm" pills. I think it happened when I went to take a nap. I didn't really fall asleep, but instead I began all the terrible things that could go wrong. But in the morning we went for a very nice walk up on the ridge. And later in the afternoon we went for a walk to Pete's, where I had an iced tea and we did the puzzles in the paper.

For dinner I made a great big composed salad with all sorts of yummy veggies, plus tuna fish and eggs. Riley made me sit there and keep eating until I finished it. Left to my own devises I can Imagine myself succumbing to malnutrition. It's sure good Riley makes me eat.

Then we settled in to watching the baseball game. They lost, but I had a nice nap.

Everyone got back safely from where they went for the weekend. We picked up Heidi and Stephane at 1:30, returning from New York City. Poor Sarah and Zac had to drive all the way from Central Oregon with the window down. But they got back safely, if you don't count the leaf stuck up Caleb's nose. Emily got back safely from Kenewick with Tia. Apparently she had a very nice time. So all of that is answer to prayer.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! 

Do not tremble or be dismayed, 

for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." 

Joshua 1:9

Day Eleven - Lord I believe, help my unbelief!

 "Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; 

For His lovingkindness is everlasting." 

Psalm 118:29

Last night I took the sleeping pill the doctor gave me right before going to be like I was told to do, but I only managed about 6 1/2 hours of sleep. Not good! So finally we got up, ate breakfast and went for a 1 1/2 mile walk. I is so beautiful outside these days. When it's beautiful in Portland, it is fabulous. God's creation really shines here.


Shortly after getting back from the walk, we went and collected Annie and Christian to go to church. The sermon was on the "Parable of the Prodigal Son", but the topic was on the son who was always faithful to his father. That part of the parable is always rather hard to understand. Really.

During church I had noticed that our friend Steve Johnson look rather distracted, so after church I went to his wife to ask how they were doing.  She said they were doing fine.  Well fine is relevant, as their son seems to have something like MS, and that can't be fine.  But as I walked away from Barbara, I decided to go back and ask her to pray for me.  She immediately wanted to know the details, which I gave her.  She wanted to know who my doctor was (did I mention that Barbara is a nurse, perhaps an ICU nurse).  When I said it was Natalie Johnson, whe immediately said if she had my cancer that would be her choice for doctor.  Well that was encouraging.  Then she said she was so glad that I told her, and that she would most certainly be praying for me.  I a soooooo encouraged by people praying for me.  The more the better.  You can't possibly have too many prayers.

 "And all things you ask in prayer, 

believing, you will receive."   

Matthew:21:22

Instead of stopping at the bakery for coffee after church, we all went home for coffee and a game of cards. We played "10 to 1", which we had taught Christian last night, and low and behold he won. What a turn-around from how he played before. He was justifiably pleased with himself.



Tom was intending to do something with Christian today, but of course none of us had his number to find out what he was really planning on. We all imagine that he changes his phones and number frequently just to keep one step a head of those who might be after him for money.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” Sir Walter Scott

So eventually Christian was told he could go to his house to wait for his dad. We then made lunch. I used the last of the hard boiled eggs to made egg salad sarnies. After lunch I think I tried taking a nap, but it wasn't happening. I was having mini panics, imaging all the ways things could go wrong. So I got up and took one of my "calm" pills.








So We all got ready to go and get Annie some sandals. Well at the Lloyd Center they didn't have her size in the pair she wanted, but they did have the size out at Washington Square. Riley wanted to have the pair sent to the Lloyd Center, but that does take a while, something could go wrong, and what if they still don't fit. So off we went to suburbia. It turnout that the pair wasn't right for Annie's wide foot, and she settled on a pair of SAS just like mine, only in white. And Riley had the salesman set another white pair for me, as mine are black. And then Riley tried on a pair of SAS sandals. I've always thought that he should have sandals. Who wants to wear big ol' tennies in hot weather. Not me, I can tell you! He got them, and I think he's really glad he did.

By the time we got home, Corey arrived soon afterwards. She was in a snit, though she recovered somewhat pretty soon. The two girls then went over to Green Gables (Annie and Heidi's house), and Riley and I had the house to ourselves. I reconstructed dinner from the night before, with changes of course, and it was very good. Then we settled into watching the baseball game. I pretty much slept, but I still listen to the game. The team did very well, and they won. Then I took the sleeping pill, and went straight to bed. At least that's what I think I did.

Pretty much I was not too panicked today. I must admit, those "calm" pills do help. They take the edge of the panic, with out doping me up. But it felt nice to go to bed, but I sure wish that my body felt normal, and I could sleep like I used to.

Blessed be the Lord, Who daily bears our burden,


The God Who is our salvation. 


God is to us a God of deliverances;


And to GOD the Lord belong escapes from death. 

Psalm 68:19-20

Day Ten - It's a beautiful three day weekend

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, 

that He may exalt you at the proper time,

casting all your anxiety on Him, 

because He cares for you.

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. 

Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, 

seeking someone to devour.

1Peter 5:6-8

Well the day started out pretty well.  I took the tranquilizer that they gave me early in the evening last night, and it did a good job of keeping me asleep, and I woke up without any anxiety.  

Emily and Tia showed up before 9 to pick up clothes for Emily to take on her trip with Tia to Washington for the weekend. Emily was quite delightful. When she saw Papa, she said "Papa, you silly goose!" She was so cute gathering up her things. I said, "Get some books", and she ran into the living room and rushed back with her Richard Scary Word Book. I asked if she wanted her "shopping bag", and she immediately got it from under the table in the front hall, and we put the big book in. She threw in several more books, then she put the bag into a foot tub that we had in the front hall, and began filling it up. In went her cat barbie, her benaculars, her shoew, her dresses, etc. Then she picked it up, like she was ready to go. Papa helped her get it out to Tia's car. Now how many 2 years olds are excited about going off on a trip with someone who's not a relative.

We had breakfast and then we went for a two mile walk. When we returned, Riley got dressed for gardening, and proceeded to plant roses in the parking strip. He got four in and has two to go. Then I took stuff out into the garden sat down on the chaise.  I read a quilting book, and talked on the phone.  My sister called.  My daughter Heidi called.  There were other calls.  It was a very relaxing time, but all the while Riley looked ever so stressed.  I felt like he was mad that I was enjoying myself in the garden while he worked.  But despite him, I did enjoy myself.

At noon I decided I better get lunch ready for him.  I made really nice egg salad sandwiches, accompanied by a couple slices of cantaloupe.  Riley joined me in the garden, but I still felt concerned by how grumpy he was.  He had made a joke about borrowing Stephane's motor cycle, and I had so something like "no way", and that made him very mad.

Riley was out of his gardening clothes by then, and he went in to take a nap, and so did I.  I think I slept a fairly long time, but I'm not sure.  When I woke up I went to the back room to tell Riley that I really would like to do something with him today.  Well things didn't go well for a long time after that.  We couldn't seem to say anything with out arguing about it.  My feeling was that I'm only going to be reasonably normal for two more weekends (this one and the next), and then I'll be in chemo for four months, then I'll be operated on (and it will be serious), and then they will give me another bunch of drugs, and I won't be doing so well, and then in the end the plastic surgeon will have at me, and maybe I'll be okay (somewhat) by Christmas.  So I was really looking forward to enjoying this three day weekend with Riley.  And all he wants to do is be serious and to chores around the house.  So basically, I'm feeling really hurt by this.  But perhaps it's just Satan jumping all over us, as he is want to do.

Finally we walked over to Pete's Coffee, where I got a drink that was half cold black, and half Jasmin and Lemon iced tea.  I was trying to keep my sugar intake way down.  It was really delicious.  And we did the crossword puzzle and the jumble.  After that I did the ten star Sudoku in record time.  I felt pretty proud of that.  At least my brain still works.

I was concerned about Annie and Christian, so I thought we could invite them over for dinner and cards.  A 12 year old doesn't usually get in on the game of cards with adults playing.  We walked over to Kitchenkaboodle to ask Corey if she'd like to join us, and she said yes.  Then we walked home, and on the way I called Annie to invite them over.  They had already thought that they would have ribs for dinner, but I encouraged her to come over to my house for a healthy dinner.

I made a really delicious chicken spaghetti with whole wheat pasta noodles.  I really liked it, and I'll put the recipe on my recipe blog.  Christian didn't want to eat the dinner, but I told him he was going to, and I actually think he liked it, and he did eat his whole dinner.  During dinner I recounted part of the testimony of a Christian I saw on Nicholas Rinderknechts facebook, and Corey got very upset with me.  I really don't know why she had to be so upset.  But anyway, when we went in to play cards she was in a terrible mood, so we suggested she go upstairs and take a nap, which she did.  Well at least she went up stairs.

Riley, Annie, Christian, and I all played two games of 10 to 1, and I think that a good time was had by all.  Christian lost miserably, but I think he'll catch on pretty soon.  In the second game Annie whupt us all with an incredible score.  Pretty amazing.  Christian had started out the evening in a terrible mood, but he ended up in a very funny and cheerful mood.  That was so nice to see.  Riley is doing better, and we'll see how tomorrow will go.  I told Annie and Christian that's we'd pick them up at nine for church.  Christian said he was doing stuff with his dad tomorrow, and I told him if his dad shows up before church he should just tell him to wait.  I can't imagine he'll get there by nine, but you never know.  What's up with a father that doesn't want his son to go to church.  

"Dear Lord, please make sure that Christian will be able to go to church tomorrow."

Psalm 33:16-22

 No king is saved by the size of his army; 
       no warrior escapes by his great strength.

 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; 
       despite all its great strength it cannot save.

 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear Him, 
       on those whose hope is in His unfailing love,

 to deliver them from death 
       and keep them alive in famine.

 We wait in hope for the LORD; 
       He is our help and our shield.

 In Him our hearts rejoice, 
       for we trust in His holy name.

 May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, 
       even as we put our hope in You.

Day Nine - You Gotta Believe!

Proverbs 3:5-6

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

       and he will make your paths straight.

I woke up this morning in a panic.  My heart was racing, and I was all sweaty.  I'm terrified.

Psalm 86:1-3 

 1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, 

       for I am poor and needy.

 2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to You.
       You are my God; save Your servant
       who trusts in You.

 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
       for I call to You all day long.

Needing to be at St Vincent's Hospital at 8 in the morning is a bother.  Then I will get the doctor's program, and be I'll be terrified for the rest of the day.  Dear Lord, please be easy on me, for I am so afraid.  Why me, Lord?  Why this?  What is Your purpose?  Lord please have mercy on me.

Psalm 6:1-3 

    1O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,

         Nor chasten me in Your wrath. 

    2Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away;

         Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. 

    3And my soul is greatly dismayed;

         But You, O LORD--how long?

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
be all else but naught to me, save that thou art;
be thou my best thought in the day and the night,
both waking and sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, be thou my true word,
be thou ever with me, and I with thee Lord;
be thou my great Father, and I thy true son;
be thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Be thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight;
be thou my whole armor, be thou my true might;
be thou my soul's shelter, be thou my strong tower:
O raise thou me heavenward, great Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise:
be thou mine inheritance now and always;
be thou and thou only the first in my heart;
O Sovereign of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, thou heaven's bright sun,
O grant me its joys after victory is won;
great Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be thou my vision, O Ruler of all.

Well that was an amazing day. We hustled to get ready, but we managed to get out to St Vincent's pretty much on time. But by the time I got out of the car I was in a real panic. Luckily I spotted a bathroom just across from the doctor's door. I had with me my knitting and my Bible. I was reading Psalm 20 when they called my name.

Psalm 20:1-5

 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; 

       may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May He send you help from the sanctuary 


and grant you support from Zion.

 May He remember all your sacrifices 


and accept your burnt offerings. 

 May He give you the desire of your heart 


and make all your plans succeed.

 We will shout for joy when you are victorious 


and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. 


May the LORD grant all your requests.

I read this several times.  And then Riley and I prayed silently.  Then a young woman named Lindsy called me, and we both went back.  She was very friendly, asked me a few questions, explained a few things, then asked me to put on the little gown, and said that Dr. Johnson would soon be in to see me.

Dr Johnson was an extremely gentle and pleasant women.  She gave me an exam.  Then I was to put my clothes back on and Margie would come in to explain some things to me.  She too was very pleasant.  She explained the details of my cancer.  First she explained that I do not have inflammatory cancer, but normal breast cancer with just a bit of an oddity.  It seems that I have lots of little tumors, and quite possible a tumor under my right arm (that seems to be the real danger).  She said I was stage III.  Now that's not so good, but they seemed confident that things were going to be okay.  Because of all the little tumors, they are going to start with four months of chemotherapy.   Then, they said I would be having a mastectomy, because of there being too many little tumors, and they'd need to remove whatever is under my arm.  This is discouraging, but somehow, with the way they were telling me all this I wasn't too upset.  But I did need to go to the bathroom again.

Then Dr. Johnson came back, and she was so sweet in talking to me about everything.  Then, when it seemed she was probably done, she was called away, but she said she would be back soon.  I was clutching my Bible while she talked to me, so when she went out I read Psalm 20 again.  Then Dr. Johnson reappeared, apologizing for the delay.  Then she said she had just one more thing she wanted to do.  She wanted to pray for us, and at then she sat close to Riley and I and she prayed an awesome prayer.  Then at closing she began to sing the chorus from "Because He Lives", and we joined in as best we could, which was a little difficult, because both Riley and I was on the verge of tears.  It was such and overwhelming experience.  Then when we finish she hugged us both.  For sure, at that we were totally convinced that we had the right doctor.  We left just stunned.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

They had scheduled for me to go to an oncologist at 12:30 at a cancer clinic over by the Rose Quarter.  It was 9:30, and I was feeling good, so I said I'd like to go for coffee, which pleased Riley.  We went to the Pearl Bakery, and I had a 12 oz single.  Riley got a pain aux raisins, and I had a taste and it was too sweet for me.  Nothing like not eating sugar for a week.  We did all the puzzles on the comic page, and Riley read the sports page, and all in all we had a really nice time.  Then we went to Powells, where I got a copy of a Moosewood cookbook that Alyson Targa recommended, and an Inspector Maigret mystery in French, copyrighted 1932.  Then we went back to the Pearl Bakery, for lunch.  I had a ham and fontina sandwich.  

When we left it was a bit early, so Riley went and parked in front of the Dublin Bay knitting store, and suggested that I go in for a while.  Well I found the latest issue of the Rowan Knitting Magazine, and knew immediately that that's what I wanted.  I've been collecting most copies of that magazine since volume 1.  It only comes out twice a year.

By the time we got to the oncologists I was starting to be just a little panicked, but we had a lot of forms to fill out.  Then they finally got me and took my vital signs.  I weighed 10 pounds less than the last time the doctor weighed me this month.  My blood pressure was higher than I was used to, my heart rate was 102, and my temperature was almost 100.  It was obvious that I was stressing.

Then we were led into little living room type of room.  And soon the doctor came in.  Dr. Look seems to be Korean, and very soft spoken, with a hint of a sense of humor.  He began to give a lot of detail about my condition, which was more than I wanted to know, and pretty soon I needed to go to the bathroom again.  All during this times when people are telling me things Riley is taking notes.  This is so good, because I just couldn't listen that well.

Then I was taken into the next room, and the doctor examined me. He was very gentle, though thorough.  Then I was to get dressed, and his nurse talked with us back in the living room, she was very nice, but I don't remember what she said.  Then came in the other nurse, Mellissa, and she was terrific.  I asked her all kinds of questions about general things, like when does my hair start to fall out, and will it be out the whole 4 months.  She gave us a folder that is organized to contain all the information that will be given to us over the next 8 months, and it also contained lots of very helpful information about how to get extra kinds of help, like from support groups.

We left there feeling very good again.  Riley thought I should go home for a nap, but I assured him I was fine.  We went home to pick up a coupon that Riley had for Eddy Bauer.  There waiting for me on the front porch was a lovely bouquet of flowers from my sister Nancy.  What an incredibly pleasant surprise that was.  I got the flowers out of their box and into water with the packet stuff.

Then we went to Eddy Bauer, where I got 3 new t-shirts, and Riley got 2 pairs of pants, something he's really been wanting.  Then we went to Nordstrum's where I got Clinique sunscreen from a delightful young salesman from Israel.  Then we left the LLoyd Center to go to Fred Meyers for my prescriptions - one to calm me, and one to help me sleep.  On the way there I called the Yeatons to see if they'd like to join us for dinner at Ken's Artisan Pizza.  They were delighted, as was Riley, because he's really been wanting to eat there.   At Freddie's we had bought bananas, and we each ate one, and I took one of my be calm pills, because I knew that Ken and Marilyn would want to talk about things, and I didn't want to have a panic attack.  It worked really well, plus I told them I didn't want to talk about it any more.

I'd done a lot of talking with people about this during the day - aren't cell phones wonderful - but I was done talking about it.  I did fall asleep soon after we got home, but I've roused and I watching the Mariners in the bottom of the 11th inning.  I've got the sleeping pill, but I'm only supposed to take it just before going to bed, no reading in bed or anything.

All in all, it was a great day, even though I am going to have 4 months of kemo, I am going to loose my hair, I do have to have a mastectome, and I do have to have plastic surgery, and I won't be well until about Christmas.