Day One - Terror

"The troubles of my heart are enlarged;


Bring me out of my distresses."

Psalm 25:17

Yesterday I had a mammogram and a sonogram to see what was wrong with my breast. The tests had been scheduled for me by the office of Dr. Natalie Johnson. She had been finally recommended for me by my doctor. It took him a long time to realize that I had a big problem with my right breast. It had been hit by a door on Valentine's Day, and I was assuming that that was the cause of my trouble.

I've also been very sick all winter, starting with a strange spasm of my esophagus that I confused for a possible heart attack. I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. They did all the usual things and also a chest x-ray. Somewhere along the line they decided to keep me over night. They eventually put me into a room with another person, but upon closer inspection of my x-rays they decided to put me into quarantine. I was never told what exactly bothered them about the x-ray. The next day I was given a very thorough of my heart, and it was decided that my heart was in excellent condition, but nothing was said about why they put me into quarantine.

Soon after that I came down with a terrible cold. I got three colds this winter, which is in no way normal. And then I got pneumonia. I had a temperature of 104 one day and the doctor told me to go to emergency. There they x-rayed me and determined that I had pneumonia, and then they gave me an antibiotic which wasn't too bad. But somewhere in all the sickness I lost my senses of smell and taste. I also developed a sensitive stomach. It got so that I didn't like the smell of food cooking. Actually I don't even like the smell of food. I began feeling nauseous all the time, and I burped more than usual.

And last, but not least, I began to be very tired all the time. Taking care of Emily became a chore I could hardly do. Each day I began with a sense of dread, wondering if I could make it through another day. And then when she was gone, all I wanted to do was sit around, or better yet, lay around, possibly sleeping in the living room on the couch. Making dinner seemed like much too hard of a task given both the effort and the smells. I didn't want to eat anything anyway.

So here I am with the radiologist saying that I most likely have a very serious cancer called inflammatory breast cancer. I looked it up on the internet and they said it was rare and aggressive. I wondering what else in my body is effect, and how long to I have to live. I'm actually TERRIFIED! I wish I could cry, but I can't. I feel so terrible about leaving my family behind, especially Riley and Annie, because she's so vulnerable. I also feel terrible about the mess of so much stuff in my house. So many books I didn't read. So many recipes I never cooked. So many dresses and quilts I never made. So many things in the house that I never finished. Grandchildren I'll never see. Grandchildren I'll never see get married.

Right after I got home yesterday I e-mailed Heidi and told her I thought she had better get Emily. Then Riley came home and we went out to the garden store and bought a lovely azalea, just like I wanted. Then we went home because I was feeling so tired. Sarah stopped by, which was so sweet of her, but in the middle of the visit I felt a great need to take a nap. I then slept for the better part of the next 15 hours.

I had not eaten since 8:30 AM yesterday, so Riley finally convinced me to get up and we went out to breakfast at J&M's. I had hot cereal, and ate half. Riley had eggs and hash-browns and toast, and he put catsup on it and that smelled terrible, but I didn't tell him. At breakfast we did have a pleasant time, though I did begin to feel so tired. I spilled my water and it went all over the place. We went home, and I went back to bed.

Both Riley and I are struggling so much with this terrible thing. The big question is: "Why Lord!?!" Why, with so much going on in my life, should I be put through this?

"Look upon my affliction and my trouble,


And forgive all my sins." 

Psalm 25:18