Day Forty Eight - an outing with Emily, who starts daycare tomorrow

For starters, I decided that I needed more social interaction.  And I also decided that Emily needed proper shoes for school - saltwater sandals are the only real option for a little girl in the summer.  All my girls wore them every year.  I can remember that each summer Heidi would get a pair that was two sizes bigger than the one she had worn the previous year, while Annie, Corey, and Sarah always go a pair one size bigger.  Emily was really excited about going to the store for new shoes. 

I hadn't picked up Emily and Annie until sometime around noon.  I must have just dinked earlier.  No, actually, I think I had given Riley a ride to work.  He had woken up at about 5:30 muttering something about needing to take cupcakes to work.  So finally I said, come on, let's go down stairs and I'll tell you how to make cupcakes.   I needed to be there with him, because his main way of cooking is to beat the food vigorously, and I knew that would not do with the cake - all the baking soda would be expended before the cakes made it into the oven.  I had him make cockeyed cupcakes, and he did a very nice job.  In the end we frosted them and I put on the sprinkles to give them a festive air.  He also had enough batter left for a small bundt cake, upon which he put the left-over icing and topped it with coconut.


Then, after dropping off Riley and his cupcakes at work I decided to go to Goodwill.  I wasn't there too long, but long enough to find a few good books - two books by Mark Twain: a hard back Tom Sawyer and an illustrated hard back of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, and a French knitting book.  Then I briefly went home before picking up Annie and Emily.

We decided to do sushi for lunch.  But we parked the car at the Lloyd Center.  Emily was put into her stroller and we walked to the sushi restaurant.  As we approached the restaurant Emily yelled out "Japanese".  I am endlessly amazed at her recognition of ethnic groups.  She was really delighted to be going to sushi.  We were given a booth and Emily scrambled right up to the belt.  I had to keep my eye on her, as she loved the idea of grabbing whatever she wanted.  She shared a California sushi with me, and then a chocolate eclair, and sesame bean paste balls, and finally she chowed down on some of Annie's vegetable tempura.  All in all we had a good time.

Then it was off to the Lloyd Center.  We first went to Marshall's because that was the first door we came to.  In the basement there were children's shoes.  I tried two sandals on Emily, they were a little too cute, and were made entirely of man-made materials.  So I put the shoes back in their boxes and we headed for Nordstrum's.  After circling the children's shoe department completely I finally spotted just what I wanted - salt water sandals.  They were white - perfect.  I got Emily out of her stroller and had her sit up in a chair.  She was a bit confused.  But as soon as the salesman appeared with two boxes of shoes and sat on the stool in front of her she seemed to be totally with the program.  She seemed to love the experience of having him slip the shoe on her foot and buckle it.  I got the feeling that she suddenly saw herself either in a fairy tale, or as Marie Antoinette.  When both shoes were on we asked her to get down and run around in the new shoes to see how they fit and felt.  She was soon prancing and doing pirouettes. I immediately told the clerk we'd take then and that she would continue to wear them, as she had no other shoes to wear.  What a delight to find exactly what you want and have it be just right.

Emily was then taken to the restroom, and then put back into the stroller with much protesting on her part.  She then wanted to go to the bookstore. But it wasn't long before I knew we needed to head home.  I was getting tired, as was Emily.  It had been a fun outing.  I can only hope that Heidi will put those nice sandals on Emily.  I know they aren't froofrooie enough for Heidi, but they look great on Emily and are very sensible.

Day Forty Seven - A lovely day, but a few stresses

Riley took today off.  It started out alright.  We had a pleasant time up on the third floor - our little hide-away.  But I knew that Riley wanted to "get stuff done", so I worked at leaving him alone.  But he did promise that in the afternoon he'd take me on a walk to Pete's.  So I did quiet things as I waited for him to be done.

It doesn't look quite like this, but wouldn't this be nice?

He did his usual really nice taking care of me things, like making oatmeal for me for breakfast, getting me some iced tea, and making a little lunch for me.  I was not not not in the mood for eating, so it was good that he was there to make me eat.  I ate my lunch like a good girl and I was very patient waiting for Riley to finish all the tasks he wanted to accomplish.


Riley was working in the back yard trying to get the clematis (Montana Reuben) and the rose (Ice Berg climber) and the wisteria apart.  The terrible wind storm had blown them all together, and they had then proceeded to grow together. Unfortunately when he was done the garden looked denuded. He has a talent for doing that.  He was also futzing with the pool, which he can't get to turn clear.  He was generally in one of his serious moods, which tend to occur on sunny days off.  It's one of his more unusual quirks. 

Well it wasn't this bad.

Eventually Sarah or Zac called to see if they could stop by for a game of cards and maybe eating.  I said "certainly", as I was quite ready for some social interaction.  But they said that they were going to play a game of Frisbee golf first.  Well I relaid this information to Riley, who assumed that they would be taking hours to play Frisbee golf.  So finally .... he got cleaned up, and I thought we'd wait for Sarah and Zac to show up, as I expected them at any time.  But Riley was suddenly determined to go to the pool store.  Well there it was  4 o'clock!  Why didn't he do that earlier.  He'd talked about it.  So anyway I had "a moment".  But then I settled down and told him I'd go to the pool store with him and I'd call Sarah to make sure they knew we'd eventually be back.  Well they decided to stop at Trader Joe's, so that was helpful.

Zac and Caleb playing.

The pool store is quite a ways away by my way of looking at things, being about 8 miles from our house.  Riley was in the pool store for quite I while.  I never actually go into the pool store because of all the chemicals.  He finally came out with a great many things - chemicals and stuff.  He said that they finally called the manager in on the problem and it was decided that the problem was the Riley was not totally killing the algae, but only maybe 80%.  And they also decided that we needed another "Bob", because the pool is so big.

This is "Bob" in the pool, he now has a new friend.

When we got back home Sarah and Zac and Caleb were there.  Riley went outside to fool with the pool some more, while I chatted with the Enochs.  Then, when Riley came in, I mentioned that I had been thinking that maybe Oasis pizza might taste okay.  Well everyone was all over that, so off we went.  When we got there I took a careful look at all the options (they make single slices of pizza to order) and I decided that feta and pineapple sounded good.  This is quite unusual for me, as I never choose pineapple.  In fact it wasn't bad, and we all had a fun time, including Caleb.  They had really interesting old photographs  on the wall by our table.

Old photo of Portland.

I only ate about 1/3 of my slice of pizza, but everyone gave me lots of time to eat it.  Then we all headed home.  Sarah and Zac decided that Caleb needed to go to bed, so they gathered up their things and went home.  There was no baseball game, so we just dinked around until it seemed like it was bed time.  

Here I am, little jumping Joan, 

When nobody's with me, I'm always alone.

It wasn't the best of days, but not so bad.  I think that one thing that really gives me a sense of feeling good is social interaction.  I remember once when I was maybe about 11 years old I had strep throat, but my parents were scheduled to go some where out of town, so we were all left with our grandmother Mimi.  That was my WORST being sick time I've ever had.  My mother always made custard for me and gave me seven-up and let me hang out on the couch.  It wasn't about watching TV, because that wasn't the room with the TV.  It was about being out where people were.  But Mimi decided that I was not only to spend the day in my bedroom, but the light was to be kept off and there was no custard and no seven-up.  I was miserable!

Day Forty Six - a blur of a day

Psalm 3:5   

"I lay down and slept; 

I awoke, for the LORD sustains me."

We slept late on Sunday, which is a good thing. We missed church, but Heidi, Emily, and Christian came over after church. I had a nice time with Heidi and Emily, and Christian was sent outside to help Riley with the pool. Eventually they left, Heidi needing to run errands. She very busy getting backed for the big move next week end.



Then after Riley got cleaned up we went over to the Pearl Bakery for lunch. I had my usual ham and fontina sandwich, but I found that I needed to remove the crusts, as I don't seem to have enough saliva in my mouth to process dry food. So I just ripped the crusts off. Bread doesn't taste all that good any more. But I felt like I did manage to eat something decent for lunch. For dessert we had a molasses cookie, but I ate only a few bites. While having lunch we did the crossword puzzle. I'm still sharp enough to do it. Not suffering from chemo brain yet.



Then we put the paper into the car and walked over to Powells. I could tell I was fading. I wandered about just a bit, wondering where Riley was. He had told me where he was going, but it didn't register. Eventually he reappeared hold a Powells bag. I could guess immediately what was in it. He had bought me the new issue of Marie Claire Idees. We then walked across the street to Athropologie, but did stay long. I was hoping they might have some scarves, but they didn't. I was then quite tired, so we went to the car and then home, where I sure I must have taken a short nap.

After the nap we walked to Pete's, where I got a jasmine lime iced tea. We sat in the window and had a very pleasant time. Then we walked back home, where I'll bet I might have had another little nap. At least on this Sunday after chemo I wasn't the complete basket case I was on the last one. But where it came time for dinner I couldn't think of anything I wanted to eat, and I was feeling a bit sorry for poor Riley trying to feed me. So eventually it was decided that we would go to Nicholas's for just a meza for one. The sun was rather bright on the street where we needed to wait, so we walked around a few blocks while waiting. It actually didn't take too long before we were seated. We ordered the mezza with mjadra and a spinach tart. As usual I couldn't eat much, and we had a nice bunch of left-overs. I find that things taste sour and that I don't have enough saliva to digest things easily in my mouth. Isn't it funny how we don't realize about things until they aren't working.

Seattle Mariners second baseman Jose Lopez, left, tags Los Angeles Dodgers' Russell Martin out at second on an attempted steal during the sixth inning of a baseball game Sunday, June 28, 2009, in Los Angeles.

Then it was back home to watch baseball. It was a great game. The Mariners beat the Dodgers for the second time, so the match was 2 out of 3 for the Mariners. Unfortunately Adrian Beltre has to have his left shoulder operated on and will out until September.  It's always the injuries that really does a team in.  But it is always so nice to watch a good game, though I'll bet I slept through part of it. Then it was off to bed. I think I even beat Riley to bed.  I think that I had half an exhausted day on Saturday and the other half on Sunday.  So still just one day of exhaustion.

Exodus 16:30 "So the people rested on the seventh day."

Day Forty Five - Exhausted by noon.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,  knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Somehow I thought that since I had hit the wall on Sunday last time it would be the same.  We got up early, because I couldn't sleep, dinked around for a while, and then went out for breakfast at Zell's Cafe.  I ordered the German pancake with rhubarb sauce.  It wasn't bad, but it didn't taste like much.  It's usually absolutely delicious.  

I love rbubarb

Then we went on some errands.  Riley wanted to go to a pool store on Foster Road.  It wasn't there.  Then we drove to Standard Appliance, where Riley got new filters for the refrigerator.  Then we stopped at Fabric Depot, where I wanted to get some eyelet fabric for a "wedding dress" for Emily.  It seems eyelet is passe.  So eventually I found some white cotton material with a white pattern on it.  (She's pretty excited about it).

The world needs more white dresses

On the way back into town we stopped at Trader Joe's.  I was winding down quickly there.  And Riley wasn't, so I went and got into the check-out line without him.  He soon joined me.  Then we went straight home, and I went straight for the couch.  I was so tired.  That was about the end of me for the day.  I was supposed to post my Daring Baker project, which I had competed ahead of time.  But I completely forgot.  I imagine I did sleep through a baseball game, but who knows.  And then I went to bed.

Psalm 4:7-8 

You have put gladness in my heart,

More than when their grain and new wine abound. 

In peace I will both lie down and sleep,

For You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety.

Day Forty Four - The hair is cut and I look like Judi Dench

Well this was the day.  The day I got my hair cut very very short.  We got up, went for a walk, had breakfast, and headed out for Monty's.  He was the only person in the salon.  I guess most people sleep in in the hair industry.  But not Monty, he's in the business to make money, which is why it was so nice of him to cut my hair for free.  I was promptly seated in the chair.  He had decided not to wash my hair, because I told him it could fall out.


Instead he spritzed it. Then he set to wackin off my hair as Riley watched. It was an unnerving event. All these things with cancer are. One is really stripped bare. You feel like you lose everything except the people around you who love you. You have no energy, no appitite, no hair, no sense that you have about you the same person you used to be. And you feel that when it's all over you will not be the person you were. You will forever be someone else. The shape of your body will be different, your hair will come back in different - maybe white, maybe curly, maybe frizzy. What ever it is it won't be the same.


Well Riley was very nice about the hair. He could see how odd I looked, but he was a sweetie as always. I then took him to work, and went and picked up Annie and Emily, so we could finish the bakewell tarts. Emily helped me roll out the pate sucre.


Then while I looked around for just the right size glass to cut the pastry with, Annie and Emily discovered a bag of very unusual candy that really caught their fancy.


But when they finished the candy we got back to business. Emily helped cut out the discs of pastry.


And then Annie, after a bit of instruction, pressed the pasty into the molds.


And then Annie helped put the jam into the molds. It was a strawberry-rhubarb jam made very recently by my sister-in-law Lauren.


We then spooned in the frangipane and baked the tarts at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. They came out perfect. I gave Emily and Annie 6 of them, and I kept the rest.


It was now 1 o'clock and I told Annie that it was time for them to go home. I'm not sure if i gave them a ride or what. But I knew I needed some lunch and a bit of a nap before my appointment at the cancer center at 2:15. I did get there on time, but it turned out that it was decided to have more liquids pumped into me, and I hadn't numbed my port. Also, the receptionists on the second floor were both gone, so things were very slow. Finally I was numbed, but the nurse this time had a terrible time trying to get the needle in. OUCH! But I had a pleasant time eventually knitting and listening to Harry Potter book two. I finally got out of there past 5. I went home and took a nap. I had thought of doing something, but I was too tired.

Day Forty Three - Second Chemo

"Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  2 Corinthians 1:2-4 

So this time I wasn't in such a panic as last time, thank goodness. I went to bed normal like, and woke up normal like. Riley and I started out by going for a lovely walk. Then I ate my usual wonderful breakfast of Riley's oatmeal, and then I got myself ready. I made a great lunch of carrots, celery, whole grain crackers with organic cream cheese, cherries, and cantaloupe. And then I got my bag packed with all kinds of things to do.

I had once again promised to take Emily to her "jump group", and this time I knew I could manage. I got over to green gables just a wee bit late, or were they the ones a wee bit late, I can't remember. But anyhow I picked up Nanny Annie and Emily and we headed off to church. But lo and behold there was no sign of the "jump group". Maybe it was closed for the summer. That's understandable.

So I headed towards town and asked Emily what she would like to do. It seemed she needed some suggestions so I asked her if she'd like to got for coffee or go to a book store. Well she wanted both, so I kept on driving towards the Lloyd Center. Just as we passed Barnes and Noble she yelled out that that's where she wanted to go. She could identify it from her car seat. I was impressed. She knew where you got coffee and books in the same place.

We went in and first collected stuff to read and then met up at a big table in the coffee shop. Emily wanted apple juice and Annie wanted a toffee nut somethingorother. Annie's was easy, but they only had huge glass bottles of apple juice, so instead I got her a bottle of lemonade. I don't know why. But she liked it nonetheless. I got water. We sat ready our stuff when it suddenly dawned on me that I had to put this numbing stuff on my port ahead of time, and there wasn't hardly that much time left. I hurriedly said goodbye (much to Emily's disappointment), and dashed out. Annie and Emily were going to walk home. Well Emily was in her stroller. As it turned out they first walked over to Anzen, where Emily had a wonderful time because she recognized that it was Japanese. Emily is very aware of different cultures because of the movies she watches. I think this is very unusual for a 2 year old.

Well as it turned out I didn't put the stuff on the correct way. You're supposed to put wither plastic wrap or a certain kind of bandage over it because otherwise your clothes will absorb the stuff instead of your body. When I had grabbed the container of numbing stuff out of the china cabinet in the passage way I had noticed the bandages but didn't give them much thought. Fuzzy brain? It was the nurse who was to draw my blood who realized what I had done wrong. So she drew my blood from my left arm, and then helped me put the numbing stuff on the correct way.


Next I was seen by the nurse who takes my weight and blood pressure. And then in to see Dr. Look. He said that my blood work looked fine. Then he checked the lump under my arm and said it was indeed smaller. He hasn't yet figured out how to check all the little tumors in my breast. I sure hope they get smaller, or fewer, or whatever. But anyway, he seemed to think everything was going fine, and he said that it was okay that I hadn't been feeling nauseous. I hoping for the best in that area. I hardly ever had morning sickness either.

Then up to the chemo room (infusion suite). I was quickly told to go on in and find a seat, but that wasn't easy as there were so many dreary looking people in there. I finally chose a seat facing the windows, but I soon realized that I was sitting across from the Greek man I had seen down stairs in the waiting room who looked absolutely terrified. He seemed to have liver cancer, and was accompanied by his sister. I recognized him for Greek because he resembled the Greek gardener my family had while I was growing up - Joie Stephanopolis (something like that). Because the man was so terrified he wasn't talking and his poor sister looked very bored, so I offered her my news paper, which pleased her a lot.

My nurse for this day was the very nice pregnant one. Her baby is due in three weeks, so I probably won't have her again. She only had a little bit of trouble getting the needle (which I've never looked at, but feels like it must be huge) in. My port is placed low on the left side, just at the top of the bra line, and it seems that that area is a bit squishy, making it hard to get resistance. First i got anti nausea and steroids, and when that was gone she plugged in the chemos, two of them. This was followed by have no idea what. But after the initial putting in of the needle things don't hurt. I sat there working on the puzzles in the paper and munching on my lunch things. None of the other people seemed to have a lunch. They ate things like cheezits out of the vending machine. I don't understand why they don't offer them healthy foods.


I had told Annie that I would pick them up after my chemo so we could make bakewell tarts for the Daring Bakers. She was a bit confused and she and Emily and Christian walked over to my house and got there before I did. Emily was very excited to be at my house with all her things - her books, her dolls, her toys, her easel, etc. It was a bit slow going making the stuff. 


First we got the pate sucre make, but Emily was not happy that I wouldn't let her separate the eggs. But she was soon distracted with a set of cookie cutters that I had bought from IKEA.


But when I started in on the frangipane Annie noticed some bugs in the almonds. Well those went into the garbage, and I went to the store. Somehow, when all was said and done, I finally got the almonds ground and that was that. Maybe it was that Heidi showed up to collect her kids. So off they all went, and I said we'd finish them the next day.

I was pretty tired by then, and when Riley showed up we decided to go out for dinner. Pho Van, of course. I wish I could think of more restaurants that sound good. There must be some out there. We came back home, watched baseball for a while, then we went to bed. I was feeling nervous about getting my hair cut the next morning at 9. Riley had decided that he would accompany me, not wanting to miss the event.

Psalm 139:1-5

O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

You understand my thought from afar. 

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,

And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. 

Even before there is a word on my tongue,

Behold, O LORD, You know it all. 

You have enclosed me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Day Forty Two - THE HAIR!

"Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy."  James 5:10-11

It was a busy day, but I was thinking on what to do about my hair most of the day. Tiah's mother wanted me to think about not cutting off my hair, because her hair never fell out. But I think that it was a while ago that she had breast cancer and probably the chemo stuff was different. The doctor seemed fairly certain that I would lose my hair, but so far there had been no signs of it falling out.

But a breakfast I was chatting with Corey about the problem and we decided that maybe a wig was the best solution, so we decided to go to the wig store on Broadway. Corey got ready, but then I realized I needed to get Riley to work. I don't know what he was doing, but he sure was late. When we went to get into the car I remembered that we had loaned Emily's car seat to Tom on Sunday for taking the kids to the beach, so we stopped by green gables to fetch it. To Riley's horror, the car seat stunk of pee. Obviously Tom had not seen to her diapers, or he had had her in panties and not taken her to the bathroom and she peed in the seat. He had obviously didn't make any effort to clean the seat! We didn't get Riley there until 10 o'clock, and I had told Annie I would pick her and Emily up at 11 to go visit Gramma and Grampa, so time was runny out.

But we made it to the wig store and it didn't take long to realize that a wig absolutely was NOT the solution for me. For starters there was no finding a color anywhere near the color of my hair. And since I've never dyed my hair it would seem very strange to show up in a different color. Secondly, the wigs were all puffier than my hair. I felt like a complete idiot in all that puffy hair. So we soon left, confident that I should never give a wig another thought.

I took Corey home and she found the Fabreeze and heavily sprayed the seat. I made myself a big cup of iced green tea, grabbed Emily's puzzle and a tea towel to put on Emily's seat, and headed out. Annie and Emily were so ready they were out on the lawn. This was a first for Annie, I was impressed. Emily was delighted to see me and Annie had dressed her adorably. I wish I had taken a picture. From the back seat Emily had a lot to say, but because I haven't been around her as much I wasn't sure of what she was saying and I had to ask Annie to interpret.

Emily totally knew where she was when we got to Gramma's place. When I got us signed in she ran right down the hallway to the elevators and pushed the up button. And when we got to Gramma's floor she ran right down the hall to the door. Then of course she went right in and asked Gramma if she could do the bubbles. Annie took her out to the "balcony" to blow bubbles for a while. It's so nice to have a nanny along. That would be Nanny Annie.

Then we all went down to lunch. There was no salad bar, which was a disappointment. After carefully inspecting the menu I ordered an egg salad sandwich and a cup of potato leek soup. For Emily I ordered the lemon poppy seed muffin and Gramma ordered her a glass of milk. To my taste buds the egg salad sandwich was absolutely disgusting - vile. But the soup was wonderful, and when I was done eating it Gramma ordered me another one. It has gotten so that I adore eating tasty food. It happens so rarely. Before I was done with my soup Grampa took Emily to see the electric train, and I sent Annie along with them to help Grampa keep Emily under control. When they returned we all went upstairs, and Gramma and I chatted a while and Grampa fell asleep. We left at 1:30, as Annie had to get back home to be there for the plumber to fix their garbage disposal hook-up.

When we arrived at green gables Tom was there waiting for Emily. I sarcastically told him thanks for leaving me a heavily pee-on car seat. He said "what?", is his most obviously lying playing dumb fashion. So I hit him with Emily's shoes and told him that I was never going to lend him anything ever again. Now I did this in a mildly pleasant manner.  I was still holding the shoes after I hit him.  He just smiled pleasantly. That man is sooo irritating. Then I went home and took a nap.  When I got up from my nap I went to comb my hair, and lo and behold, my hair was starting to come out.  I'd been expecting that, but it was still unsettling.

When I got down stairs Sarah and Zac and Caleb were there. We visited for a while, and then it was suggested that Sarah and Caleb and I take a walk while Zac clean out the refrigerator, because something in there smelled terrible and nobody knew what it was. Great idea. I put on sun screen, Sarah got Caleb ready, and off we went. We decided to walk to Pete's. It was a wonderfully pleasant afternoon, just the right temperature. At Pete's I got a jasmine lime ice tea, and Sarah got something very chocolaty coffee looking, and some coffee cake. I let Caleb suck on my straw, making sure he didn't get too much tea. He seemed to really like it. When Caleb started to get a bit antsy we headed back home. I live in such a nice neighborhood to take a walk in.

While we were on the walk my hairdresser, Monty, called.  He said he was so sorry to hear that I had cancer, and that he always cuts for free the hair of his clients who have cancer.  That was so nice of him.  Now this is a man who watches every penny, and a hair cut is around $60, so that's no small favor.  He told me to call his receptionist to make an appointment on Friday.  I sure hope I have a decent amount of hair to cut by then.

When we got home Zac was just finishing up the refrigerator. It smell great. He had discovered the culprit - a bowl of rotting pasta. What a delight to have my refrigerator clean and with room in it. Then soon after we started in on making salmon chowder. I explained to them that to me it was a very satisfy dish. And to go with the chowder I helped Riley make flaky scones, making only 2/3 the recipe. Then we all sat down to dinner and a movie that Sarah and Zac called "New in Town" starring Rene Zellwinger. We all enjoyed it very much. It was set in remote Minnesota and the people had the funniest way of talking. Riley said he wanted to buy that video, partly so we could catch the funny things the people said.

When the movie was over the Enochs left and Riley and I went up to bed. Actually I went up first, and Riley put away the food and tidied up a bit. Again I had a half an Ativan. Nothing like being able to get to sleep. It's not that I fret or anything, I just don't calm down enough. Maybe I need more exercise.

Psalm 68:19-20

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden,


The God who is our salvation. 


God is to us a God of deliverances;


And to GOD the Lord belong escapes from death.

Day Forty One - a much better day

Psalm 63:6-8 

When I remember You on my bed,


I meditate on You in the night watches, 


For You have been my help,


And in the shadow of Your wings 

I sing for joy. 


My soul clings to You;


Your right hand upholds me.

Caleb learning about being in a swimming pool

Well last night Riley had me take half an Ativan and it did the trick. I slept pretty well, and it's a sunny day, and things look a lot better. I Started out by washing my hair, because I don't have much longer with it, and I wanted it to look its best. Then I dashed out for a 10:00 appointment with a woman at a wellness clinic that was recommended by my oncology place. I had thought I was late, but when I got into the car I realized I had 20 minutes, so I zipped on down to a drive-through Starbucks for a tall zen ice tea. Amazingly I got to the place I was going to just about on time. Then the person I was to see was busy and I had to sit and wait and I didn't even have my bag of things to do. They had nothing but old dreary magazines, and the people in the waiting area were VERY weird and they smelled. Then to make things worse There was this huge tapestry thing on the wall with what looked to me like faces of the dead hung all over it. I was so weirded-out that I almost got up and left. I don't even know why I didn't.

Caleb's really enjoying himself, and so is his Dad.

But eventually the person I was to meet came to fetch me. She was actually very nice, and another very nice woman joined us in a very nice room with no disgusting art on the wall. We had a really nice time chatting for well over an hour. I really enjoyed the two women, who had both had breast cancer. They recommended many things for me, but perhaps what interested me were acupuncture and yoga for breathing correctly. Towards the end of the time Riley called, and then my brother David called, which was quite a surprise. He was in town and wanted to stop by. I told him that I would be home shortly. Then soon after I left. On the way home I called Riley and asked him to join us.

My brother David and his wife Lauren and daughter Sophie.

Lauren was going through chemo at the time.

David arrived at home shortly after I did, and we chatted in the kitchen while we waited for Riley. It was decided that we would go out for lunch, and I chose Pho Van. I knew that Riley would eventually be keen to get back to work, so I suggested to David that I go in his car. Riley was in the basement so I called down to tell him that we'd meet him a Pho Van. I was a little worried that he didn't hear, but soon after David and I arrived at the restaurant I called Riley and he said he was just getting out of his car. We had a very nice time together, the three of us. Riley did leave before us, and then David drove me back home.

Christian at bat, age 9

Soon afterwards I called Christian to see if he was ready to go to the batting cage, as I promised las week to take him on Tuesday. He was quite ready. I was almost completely out of gas and I figured at a place like a batting range might take only cash, so we stopped at QFC, where I got a box of organic cereal, a bag of organic grapes, and a coke for Christian. I took Christian and I a long time to find the cool case with the sodas in it. Something I'd never given any thought to before. Then I went to the gas station across the street and got $5 worth of gas, as I knew I'd be going to Costco after the batting cage. I didn't get too lost on the way to the place, which was called Batting a Thousand. I only had to call Riley once for directions.

Christian in the doug-out, age 9

The place sold tokens at $2 per 20 balls. I started out by getting two tokens at Christian's request. There were four cages. He picked out a batting helmet (which he was to happy about having to wear) and a bat and got into a cage. I sat at a table near by in an arcade area. It wasn't long before he'd hit his 40 balls, and came out to ask for another 2 tokens. As I sat there I noticed that there was a small boy, maybe 8 years old who was there with his grandfather. The boy most noticeably hated being there and his grandfather was badgering him rather mercilessly. That was rather sad to see. Christian eventually hit 100 balls, and then I said it was time to go.

Christian watching after his sister 

and showing her how to catch snow flakes on the tongue

I had told Christian that we'd be going to Costco afterwards, which he wasn't too happy about, but I explained to him that I would be needing his help, and he seemed to understand. I managed to find my way from the batting cages place to Costco with out a single problem. This was good, as I tend to be suburbia-dysfunctional. I got gas as soon as we got to Costco, and then we went right for the things I needed and headed for the check-out. Christian loaded the things in the car for me and we headed back home. I told him that I need him to take the things in for me. When we were putting the things away in the basement he spotted some swedish marshmallow cookies left over from Christmas and asked if he could have them. So we went up stairs and he went to the back room to watch TV, eat cookies, and drink milk. As it turned out he stayed until 6:30, which was nice. I knew that Riley wouldn't be home until about 7.

After taking Christian home I decided that what I wanted for dinner was my left-overs from lunch. Then when Riley got home he decided that what he'd have for dinner was his uneaten lunch. So it all worked out very nicely. Then we watch Jeopardy and then the baseball game. The game did not go well for the Mariners, and by the time Riley decided to go to bed the score was 9 to 2 in favor of San Diego. But I was sitting in the living room talking with Corey, and then eventually the two of us were watching the game, which got very exciting. The Mariners did lose, but the score was 9 to 7, and the end of the game was indeed fun to watch. Riley had already given me a half an Ativan and it was starting to get me quite relaxed and I headed up to bed, where it didn't take me long to fall asleep. All in all it was a very nice day, and I didn't spend hardly any time fretting about things. I do much better when I have people to talk with.

Psalm 100

Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth.
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the LORD Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations.

Day Forty - my kitchen is clean, but anxiety high

Psalm 94:18-19


If I should say, "My foot has slipped,"


Your loving-kindness, O LORD, will hold me up. 


When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,


Your consolations delight my soul. 

Jill - Caleb - Addison - Bill - Tristan - Corey

My Dear brother bill sent a housekeeper over to my house today. She was a very nice Hispanic young lady named Claudia. She looked around a bit, and I could tell that she could see what a big house I have, so I finally suggested that she clean the kitchen. She seemed pleased with this suggestion, and pretty soon set to the task. I found some soft Scott sponges for her to use, and she had her own cleaning clothes and solutions from my sister-in-law Jill (Bill's wife).


I just took it easy, especially given the fact that I had had so little sleep the night before. Claudia came at 9:45 and stayed until 2:45. She was only supposed to stay three hours, but she could tell that the kitchen could not get deep cleaned in that amount of time, so she stayed for 5 hours, and then she told me that the 2 extra hours was a present to me. That was so sweet of her.

When I ate lunch I sat in the kitchen and chatted with her. She was a very pleasant person to talk with. I told her about the time the youth group from Mexico stayed at our house and that when I started to make bulotchki for the breakfast the next day and Grandma Mary (who was like a chaperone for the girls) went upstairs and got the girls out of bed to come down and help me. Claudia told me that for Mexicans it would be very rude to not be helping to cook in a house that you are visiting. How nice of them. I hope that they were pleasantly repaid by learning how to make bulotchki.

After she left I tried to take a nap, but to no avail. I thought that I heard someone knocking on the front door, so I got up and went down to see. Well as I looked at the door, I could see no one. Then I walked up to the door and looked out of both the side windows, and I saw no one. Then I turned the nob to lock the door, and suddenly there was a big banging knock on the front door. I was terrified. I had seen no one, so what very short person was standing right next to my door. The knock was so loud. I immediately went to the passage way and shut the door behind me. After just a bit I called Riley, as my cell phone was in my pocket. He was concerned, but what could he do. He wished that we had the number of the family next door. Then I went to the third floor to play some computer games to distract myself. But this didn't really help, and I began to be anxious about many things, like what was going to happen to me before all of this cancer business is done. What was it going to be like having no hair. How tired was I going to get. I began thinking about how I'll never be the total real me again. yada yada yada. So I went back down stairs and went up to the front door. I could see that something had been placed in the mail box. So I got a chair, put it right by the front door, and stood on it and looked down. No one was there. So I unlocked the door and went out and got the thing in the mail box. I was an invitation to the neighborhood Fourth of July block party. At that I thought that probably the person at the door was a small child. But how could he have knocked to loudly. Well when Riley got home he had an explanation. He pointed out that an adult would usually knock on the thick part of the door, which doesn't make such a big noise. But a child would knock on the thinner part of the door, which acts like a drum, and makes a bigger noise. He then demonstrated by knocking on that part of the door.

But if I hadn't been anxious enough from lack of sleep and lack of my anxiety pill, the door incident really set me off. Riley was such a dear, and did a great job of trying to calm me down. We watched a new Poirot on Mystery after dinner, then we headed up to bed. I didn't take and Ativan, and I felt very tired. But I got into bed and couldn't really relax. So after a while Riley said that he thought I could use to eat a baked custard. Did I mention what good custard he makes. I asked him to heat it up. I then got on the computer to play a few games. That usually tires me out a bit. He came back with the custard and a half of an Ativan, which I took. When I got back into bed I went right to sleep, and slept about 7 hours straight through.

Psalm 31:2-3

Incline Your ear to me, rescue me quickly;

Be to me a rock of strength,

A stronghold to save me. 

For You are my rock and my fortress;

For Your name's sake You will lead me and guide me

.

Day Thirty Nine - A really nice Father's Day

Genesis 12:1-3

Now the LORD said to Abram,

"Go forth from your country,

And from your relatives

And from your father's house,

To the land which I will show you; 

And I will make you a great nation,

And I will bless you,

And make your name great;

And so you shall be a blessing; 

And I will bless those who bless you,

And the one who curses you I will curse 

And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed."

The day started out very leisurely.  I'm afraid I didn't get up and make breakfast for Riley, but he made me a lovely bowl of oatmeal, and had one himself.  I didn't have a present for him, but I wished him happy Father's Day and told him that I wanted to get him a new pair of slippers.  We did our usual amount of dinking and then we got ready for church.  We were only a little late.  Tim preached a good sermon on prayer.

After church we all gathered for a nice time at the Fleur de Lis Bakery next door.  Unfortunately Heidi and Christian were have difficulties.  Heidi's stressed and Christian's going on thirteen.  But we all worked together on this and I think it was straightened out.  But Heidi is going to need to remember that he is entering adolescence.  

The girl's (Heidi and Annie) surprised Riley with an omelet.  I didn't have anything.  At least I don't remember having anything.  I buttered and jammed Emily's bread.  Soon Tom showed up to take his kid's to the beach for Father's Day.  I was a bit disappointed, as I wanted to visit with Emily, but Tom assured me that he'd have them back by five.  Then the rest of us sat around for quite a while have a lovely animated conversation.  

After the visit Riley and I headed home.  I had my left-overs from Pho Van waiting for me, and Riley didn't need lunch, as he'd had two breakfasts.  Then Riley got me some watermelon.  It was a terrible watermelon, and he promised that we would take it back to New Seasons later.  I probably either had a nap, or tried to have a nap, while Riley worked in the garden.  I think that I went to the sunroom for my nap, and Riley had a very hard time finding me.  He got a bit worried.  But then we went to the store to return the crummy watermelon.  And while we were at it we got more stuff, like teething gel and very small ice cream sandwiches, as well as a new watermelon and a small piece of halibut for me to eat at dinner.  Oh, and I got a raisin panini and a raisin bagel.

As soon as I got into the car I ate an ice cream sandwich and it was absolutely heavenly.  I couldn't believe it - it actually tasted like it should.  My mouth loved it.  That was such a pleasant surprise.  We went home to get the ice cream in the freezer before going to green gables for a Father's Day dinner.  Just before we left my brother David called, and that too was a very pleasant surprise.  We chatted for quite a bit.  He reminded me that the chair was still available, and I said I'd love to have it, but I wasn't sure where to put it.  But as we were talking I suddenly realized where I could put it - in Corey's vacated room.  She's moving into green gables on the 5th of July.  I know the room will be a disaster at first, and I'll have to figure out how to get the family to get her stuff out of there, but we had already planned to put an air conditioner in the north facing window of that room, and put light blocking shades on the west facing window, so I'd have a cool place to sleep.  We'll figure it out.

Somewhere in there Riley and I went to Pete's for iced tea and crossword puzzle. I think I already have serious chemo brain, so dear readers please don't think I get any good order to what I say. But anyway, we had a very nice time at Pete's. What did people used to do before coffee shops?

Then we headed to the dinner.  We were a bit late, but it was quite a while until dinner was served.  Everyone was there: Heidi, Annie, Corey, Sarah, Christian, Emily, Caleb, Zac, and Stephane and Parker.  I had brought my panini and my bagel with me, and when Emily saw me eating some of them, she proceeded to eat all the rest.  She and I had a lovely time together.  I chatted with her and everyone else who came into the living room where I was sitting.  Eventually I ended up sitting on the couch with Emily and Parker watching Toot and Puddle.

When dinner was ready we all crowded around Heidi's big table.  There weren't enough chairs, so it became a game of possession.  In other words, the chair belonged to whoever was sitting in it - so you didn't really want to abandon your seat.  This is a very unusual way to sit down to dinner, but somehow it worked.  I had rice with butter on it, halibut, and steamed asparagus with butter.  Everyone else had rice, roasted asparagus, and tandoori chicken, which I must say looked really good.  But I've learned, and I didn't even have a tiny taste.  I know how spicy that dish is.  


Then when it was time for Caleb to go home, it was time for me to go home.  It's that being a toddler thing.

Back home we watch another great Mariners game while I laid on the couch, and then we went up to bed. But this time I didn't take an Ativan, because I'm worried about getting addicted or having to take more to get the same effect.  Well I think this might have been a good idea, but when I laid down my heart was pounding away, and it did so for a long long time.  I had a terribly fitful nights sleep, and I woke up in the middle of the night all sweaty.  All in all I got hardly 5 hours sleep.

Galatians 3:6-9

Even so Abraham BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS RECKONED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS. Therefore, be sure that it is those who are of faith who are sons of Abraham. The Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, preached the gospel beforehand to Abraham, saying, "ALL THE NATIONS WILL BE BLESSED IN YOU."  So then those who are of faith are blessed with Abraham, the believer.