I apologize for not updating this sooner!

1 Peter 5:6-7

"Humble yourselves, therefore,

under God's mighty hand,

that He may lift you up in due time.

Cast all your anxiety on Him

because He cares for you."

I feel bad that I left the story of what happened concerning my mastectomy up in the air for so long. The picture does get better (I think). On Tuesday morning I had my appointment with Dr. Johnson. Right away I asked her what was so worrisome. She explained that she had expected more cancer cells to have been killed off than was the case. She had removed 42 lymph nodes from around my right arm, and of those 42, 25 were still alive. She then explained that this was because I was more estrogen positive than they had thought. Well she said something like that. I'm not good at getting medical facts just right. But she also said that this was not such a bad thing, because there is a very good medicine that they can give me to suppress the estrogen. They only hitch is that I have to take the medicine for seven years. Now I'm not to happy having to take an antibiotic for 10 days, so what will seven years feel like! I asked her what were the side affects, and she said hot flashes. Great! I make it all the way through menopause without hot flashes, and now I get to contend with them for seven years. But then, I never had morning sickness while pregnant, and I didn't get nauseated on chemo, so maybe I'll be okay. Actually, I will be so grateful to be able to take that pill for seven years. I think Dr. Johnson talked with me for about a half hour, which is a long time for such a busy doctor - and the waiting room was absolutely jammed. She made a big point to tell me that I need to not worry, explaining that she herself has to work on that, and she quoted a Bible verse that she likes to keep in mind.

Luke 12:24-26

"Consider the ravens:

They do not sow or reap,

they have no storeroom or barn;

yet God feeds them.

And how much more valuable

you are than birds!

Who of you by worrying

can add a single hour to his life?

Since you cannot do this very little thing,

why do you worry about the rest?"

She was very emphatic that I must not spend any time worrying. And concerning my anemia, she said I need to concentrate on eating right and getting exercise. I've got the eating right down pretty well, but I'm quite lacking on the exercising.

I forgot to mention that while she was talking with me a young woman was watching on. She is a naturalpath. After she and the doctor left, the young woman return, saying that she noticed that I was dehydrated. This was true. We talked with her for a while. She said that she had worked for many years with her husband, who is an oncologist. This implied that she had expericence with cancer patients. She gave us her name and number, and we thought might go see her the next week.

the nutritionist

That evening we were sitting around thinking about things when it occurred to me that Dr. Brouse, the nutritionist, was more stress than I could handlte, and I just didn't need it. So Riley called his office and left a message that we were cancelling the appointment. That felt like just the right thing to do. He's probably a very good doctor, the problem was that his extreme approach to my health matters was just too much for me. After that we settled into a good baseball game and then went to bed, much relieved.

the oncologist

So on Thursday I had a morning appointment with Dr. Look, my oncologist. He's a very mild mannered person of Asian descent. Dr. Johnson had picked him for me because of his mild manner. I asked him a lot of the same questions that I asked Dr. Johnson. But in the conversation a funny thing happened. I said that I was a lot more anemic after the operation. And he said, "What operation?" Now on the one hand I was gald that he hadn't noticed that my chest is flat on one side. But was he paying attention to things. He quickly realized his mistake, and gave his little quiet chuckle. He then went to get all the current tests on my, including the pathology report. He agreed that I was definitely quite anemic, but he said "You'll be just fine." He explained that the chemo and the operation were strong factors in my anemia, but if I paid attention to eating well I would soon recover. That was so much better that the nutritionist wanting to send me to Mexico for treat of my anemia. Dr. Look seemed pretty confident that I would get over the anemia fairly soon, and that I was not in grave danger. You never know all together what the doctors are thinking, but I did have a confidence that I could handle the anemia.

the drainage tube

The next day my drainage tube was being bothersome. It was leaking all over me instead of going into the bulb at the end of the tube. So we went into Dr. Johnson's office to have Andria look at it. She noticed that there was some "tissue" stick in the tube. She got it unstuck, and rebandaged me and said that the tube should come out by Monday or Tuesday. That was a great idea - having the tube out. Having a tube coming out of you with a bulb hanging on the end of it that you have to hang from the belt loop on you pants or pin to the outside of your nightgown is rather unpleasant. The nurse did say that it wouldn't accidently come out, as it was stitched to my body. That seemed like good news - bad news.

Well by Monday it seemed like a good idea to get the tube out. So we called the doctors office to make sure they knew I was coming, and headed out. The process didn't take long, but it was a bit creepy. It was a bit like having a worm pulled from your body. The stitch seemed to be right on my skin. Andria just snipped it, and then pulled slowly on the tube until it was completely out. This was followed by a piece of gauze being taped to my side to soaked up whatever that was that was coming out of my body. Then I was told that I could take a shower the next day. YAY!!

So the next day I needed to convince Riley to remove that gauze that was over the whole in the side of my chest. I don't know what he imagined the whole to be, but when I finally got him to remove the gauze he was greatly relieved to find only a very small mark, which he put a little waterproof bandage on. So at this point the only bandages from the surgery that were left were little strips looking like small gift wrapping take running all along my incision. They didn't run along it so to say, but are little bits placed at fairly even intervals. They are mostly still there, as I don't like the idea of removing tape placed on me by a doctor.

Then, late the next day, I finally took a shower. What a delight that was! And you know, I can take a shower any time I want, because I don't have to worry about getting my hair wet and having to dry it. I still don't have any hair to speak of, just little bits you can feel.

recovery time

Who knows what day this is - things getting worse

2 Corinthians 2:3-4

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

"

Well I spent the summer being a little spacey, but enjoying my self most of the time. We had lots of birthday parties, and outings, and I watched lots and lots of Mariner's baseball. But I found that by the time I got around to posting something I couldn't remember exactly what happened. I should use my father's phrase "No excuse, sir!"

I hope I will get a chance to fill in some of the blanks on what happened. There are many pictures taken, that all have dates and times, and I can use those to help fill in the details. I've had my last chemo on the seventeenth of September, so you'd think I'd be coming around as far as not having such a chemo brain. My operation was on October 6th, and everything seemed to go well. For the most part I had no pain. My biggest pain was having a shared room, but I won't go there. I got out of the hospital after being there for 26 hours. It would have been sooner, but there were very busy.

All my children and grand-children and sons-in-law came to visit me in the hospital, and that was wonderful, even if I couldn't stay awake longer that to smile and say hi. It was soooo appreciated. I hope I had a hat on. I did sleep for the better part of 16 hours, despite what the hospital staff tried to do. They kept checking my blood pressure.

At home our first big trouble was my drain leaking all over the place. But my dear sweat husband did a bang up job of getting new gauze applied to the area and stopping the leaking. That was Wednesday evening.

Thursday started out okay, but Riley was starting to really feel the stress and he kind of retreated to the living room to be on his own. By this time I had already taking a look a the state of my body, seeing how flat I am on the right side, and knowing that I still have no hair, and I was beginning to feel ignored and rightly so, as I looked so funny. So Riley and I had a "talk" about all this, and I was feeling so low, even though I know he loves me very much.

Worrisome

Well just a this time the doctor called with about the pathology report. She said that is was worrisome. Well if I had been feeling low before she called, I was feeling devastated after her call. I was in "stunned" mode. What had she been trying to tell me? How serious is the situation? Why did she call ahead of time, when we had a meeting scheduled for next Tuesday?

We were supposed to have Ken and Marilyn come visit, but I told Riley to tell them I just couldn't see anyone. I probably didn't eat much for dinner, and then I went to bed. At least that's what it looked like when Riley got me all settled in on the couch in the back room. But I soon felt wide awake and I talked with God until about 1 AM. I had lots to say, and lots of questions. Did I get any answers? I don't think so. At least none that I can remember. I finished by writing in my journal, and I believe I fell asleep while holding my fountain pen.

Early the next morning Riley came down to see about emptying my drainage bulb and by then I realized what had happened. I thought he would find the pen on the floor - I was a brand new small fountain pen the he had bought for me because my numb fingers have trouble holding on to things. Well it was still very near my hand, and amazingly very little ink got on my quilt, most of the stray ink was on both of my hands.

So here we were at Friday, and I was to get the strikers out. The strikers were two tiny tubes leading into my body that were attached to a pumping mechanism that administered a numbing agent inside my body in the wound area. Having three tubes coming out of your body is quite a nuisance. I was always in fear of pulling one of the out. I'd start to so somewhere and forget to take the mechanism with me and get a little yank. Just going to the bathroom with all these tubes was a pain, not to mention trying to get dressed. The hospital had given Riley instructions on how to remove the strikers when the pump said it was empty, but he'd had enough with bandaging up my drain, so we went into the doctors office. It was all quick and easy, and she very cleanly re-bandaged the drain area. Despite the gloom of the doctors phrase "worrisome", I was feeling better. It was good to be not so fettered.

While we were at the doctors office, while Riley sat in the waiting room, Jill called about Dr. Brouse, the nutritionist that we had finally decided I should go see. She suggested that we get a copy of the pathology report to fax to Dr. Brouse. How convenient. They promptly gave Riley a copy. I was to have a phone visit with Dr. Brouse on Monday morning. A little later in the day Riley went to a copy store and faxed the report.

Friday evening we went to the County Cork Pub with Ken and Marilyn, where the staff were glad to see me, and pleased to see how well I seemed to be doing. How odd to feel fine enough, to not look too bad, and yet to know that something terribly wrong is happening inside my body. I was continually pondering the word "worrisome". We played scrabble and Riley won. Then Riley and I went home and I got into my might gown, laid on the couch in the back, and watched Jeopardy and I don't know what else.

I don't remember Saturday or Sunday very well. I know that I didn't have enough energy to get to church in the morning. After church Heidi stopped by with Emily. Heidi was in a rage at Christian, who was being a terrible teenager, one who felt he could now make his own decisions in life, and didn't have to do what he was told. Now that's enough to make a mother upset. I need to be praying for that kid - not that I'm not already praying for him and his mother.

Not a Rosie Picture

Monday morning and it's time for the call with Dr. Brouse. It didn't take a minute before my heart sake to the basement. I thought if I was the type I could pass out right then and there. He began by saying that it wasn't a rosie picture. So now I am faced with "worrisome" and "not a rosie picture" and I feel as good as dead. He went on to suggest that I go right away to a clinic in Tijuana Mexico. Now if that doesn't sound like I last ditch effort, I don't know what does. But he seemed like a very knowledgeable doctor, and I did agree to come in for some serious blood tests on Wednesday. I'm not at all convinced about going to Mexico.

After the phone coference Annie and Riley and Corey and I went to Pioneer Place, where I had lunch from an Asian restaurant, and then I bought two pairs of pants from Talbots and three t-shirts and four or five blouses (they were on sale) from Eddie Bauer. These are all items of clothing that I already had some of and know that they wear well in my condition. I need to wear the t-shirt under the blouse because of the lack of a bra. All in all I like my new clothes. Now if I can live long enough to enjoy them. I'm trusting God to let me live long enough to see all my grand-children happily married.

Isaiah 12:2

"Behold, God is my salvation,

I will trust and not be afraid;

For the LORD GOD is my strength and song,

And He has become my salvation."

Days Ninety One - Ninety Six - Life is a blurr and Riley is sick

salm 103:1-5

 1 Praise the LORD, O my soul; 

       all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

 2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits-

 3 who forgives all your sins
       and heals all your diseases,

 4 who redeems your life from the pit
       and crowns you with love and compassion,

 5 who satisfies your desires with good things
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

I started to write this blog and then it got so I couldn't remember the details. But I do know that Riley has not been feeling well. The assumption has been that maybe my chemo problem was actually the flu, and now Riley has it. One thing for sure is that he has not energy. I've lost my support person. I don't know what we did on these days, but Riley did not go to work.

We watched baseball - always a good activity for sickos.




And the Mariners were doing well against the Kansas City Royals.



On Saturday Emily came over. We were baby-sitting, but I can't remember why. She was absolutely delightful, and to add to that she watched baseball with us. But before watching baseball I painted her nails for her. I put the deep pink on her toes - the one I bought in Paris, and then I explained to her that we don't put deep colors on our fingernails, but we put very light instead. She was good with that.




But one thing that I am looking forward to is camping with Annie and Corey in a yurt. They were going to go with Sarah, but something happened and she couldn't go. I think maybe Caleb got sick. So anyway, they asked me to go.

So that's all I can remember of details. But of non specifics, I do know that Riley has not not not been feeling well, and this is troubling.

Isaiah 12:2-3

"Behold, God is my salvation,

I will trust and not be afraid;

For the LORD GOD is my strength and song,

And He has become my salvation." 

Therefore you will joyously draw water

From the springs of salvation.

Days Eighty Five and Six - a new chemo - taxol - how will I fare?

Genesis 45:11  "There I will also provide for you, for there are still five years of famine to come, and you and your household and all that you have would be impoverished."'

So I'm done with the red stuff, and everyone says that the taxol is easier.  We shall see.  On Wednesday evening I took 5 steroid pills, and at eight in the morning on Thursday I took 5 more steroid pills.  I had forgotten to ask the doctor why I had to do this.  I don't like taking pills without knowing why, but I knew I had to take them anyway.  

My appointment this time was early - 9:00 or something.  They did all the usual things, take my blood, check my "vitals", then I talked with the doctor.  He hasn't seemed very cheery of late, which is disappointing.  He was such a funny doctor before.  I hope his lack of cheer has nothing to do with me.  He said that the tumor was smaller, and he suggested that the little tumors were turning into dead cells just hanging around.  Well that's gross.  He seemed in a bit of a hurry, so I didn't ask all the questions I wanted to ask - like what is the taxol going to do?  He did tell me the side affects, but I wanted to know the positive affects.  

I forgot to mention that Riley was with me because we didn't know what this new stuff would do to me.  But when we went upstairs to the "infusion suite" they explained that this was going to drip into me over about a 3 1/2 hour period, so after a little while Riley left.  But he did stay around long enough to see a student from the chiropractic college give me a food rub.  He explained why he was very gentle on some areas.  Riley seemed to pay close attention, since he's my primary foot rubber.

I was cold, so they gave me a heated blanket.  After I while I was very hungry - as I hadn't realized I would be there so long and I hadn't packed any food, not that there was anything I could pack.  I was so desperate that I ate peanut butter crackers.  They weren't too bad, but they certainly don't have what I'd call nutritious food in that place. I whiled away the time with various things, as I had my bag of things to do with me.   But eventually I began to realize that I was getting very very sleepy, and I didn't feel safe about driving. So I called Riley, and things worked out very well, and he arrived just as I was finished.

I'm pretty sure we went home and I took a bit of a nap. Then I think we went somewhere for lunch. But I don't remember the experience. I wish I could say that we went to MacMinnamin's where I shared a dungeon burger and fries with Riley, or that we went to the Pearl Bakery where I had a ham and fontina sandwich and loved it. But that's not the case. We went somewhere where I very slowly ate something I didn't like all that well, but with determination I got some of it down.   This is an effective way to lose weight, but not one I'd recommend.

I woke up and took Riley to work, and because of all the steroids I did have energy, so I'll bet I did something with Annie.  But I can't remember.  Later on in the evening Annie called to tell me that there is a sock convention in town, and that tomorrow they are holding a Guiness world record event to set the record for the most amount of women knitting for fifteen minutes without out any stops.  Well I told Annie that that was a be there event.  She then told me that we needed to pick up tickets for the event between 7 and 9 in the morning.  So I told her I'd pick her up at 8 the next morning, which I did.

Psalm 3:5  "I lay down and slept;

 I awoke, for the LORD sustains me."

The next morning I was full of energy - the steroids.  Kind of scary really.  I ate my oatmeal and we were off.  I'm not allowed to have my vitamins when taking chemo.  We got to the convention center and quickly obtained our tickets.  Then I think we drove Riley to work, and then we went to Starbucks because Annie hadn't eaten.  We had a pleasant time, but then we decided that we would go to the credit union cash machine to get cash, because $2 cash was required to get into the "market place" at the knitting convention.  There were three cash machines in a row, so we each had our own.  When Annie was done getting her cash she came to mine to see how I was doing.  I need some help (Riley's always the one who gets the cash).  Annie had to show me how to get my card back out.  At that point she suddenly panicked and started going frantically through her little purse looking for her card.  It wasn't there.  I spotted a man coming away from the machine she had been at and I ran after him to see if he had found a card in the machine.  He hadn't.  But then as we stood there on the sidewalk looking pretty flustered a man came and asked if we had lost a card.  He had turned it into the bank right next to the machines.  Well that was good to hear, but .....  because it wasn't our bank they had to shred the card after finding out who it belonged to.  All we could do was stand there and watch them put her card into the shredding machine.  So at that there was nothing to do but to go to our bank.  Turns out it was a good thing because there was a little problem with Annie's card, but she wasn't going to get a new one for two weeks.

After that misadventure we headed to the convention center and went to the market place.  I never saw so much sock wool at one time, but the vast majority of it was way to high priced for my Scottish blood.  But I did buy some wool from a place called WEBS that had great prices.  I got 10 balls of Misti Alpaca sport weight in dark green to make myself a cardigan.  It's awesome wool, 146 yards per 50 grams, and 6 stitches to the inch, and ..... it's sealed in a bag, thus providing moth protection.  Then we hurried on upstairs for the Guiness record event.

They were still trying to give away tickets, but there were a lot of people in the ball room.  We found a seat up towards the front and settled in.  It really was a fun event, and it was moderated by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, the person who organized the Knitting Olympics in 2006.  That was a very significant event for me, as my arm had just been operated on to re-attach two tendons in my right arm.  

Casting on at the start of the Olympics - right as they lit the torch.

I had to sleep on the couch in the living room so as to prevent rolling over on my shoulder.  My entire life was spent in the living room for about 12 weeks.  Competing in the knitting Olympics was great therapy for me, and I managed to knit a sweater I had always wanted to make.  It required that I knit a ball of wool a day.  I would get up in the morning, struggle with eating breakfast with my left hand, and then start knitting.  I managed to finish the sweater just in the nick of time.

Getting into the sweater wasn't easy, and my sling was only very temporarily off. The sweater needed to be finished before the torch was extinguished

.

The sweater fits me better, now that I've lost 30 pounds. But the hair doesn't look quite as good. So anyway, I have always had a fondness for Stephanie, because that really kept me going through a hard time.

So Stephanie and several other ladies were very funny that day. So here's a video I took of Stephanie - who's from Toronto.

Then, not long after this record was successfully broken, we headed out to go to the cancer clinic for my day-2 appointment. That took no time at all. Then Annie was hungry, so we went to McDonald's. I got four McNuggets and some fries and they tasted terrible, and I later put them in the garbage. But Annie got a nice lunch. Then we headed back to the convention center, because Annie wanted to go back to the "market place", because we really hadn't been there very long. While there Tiah called and said she wanted to join us. Now I have to say that by this time I was getting pretty tired, but I hung in there. We all went to check out the "sock knitting museum", and I must say it was pretty interesting. There were sock there that I recognized - either I had them in a book or I had seen them on the internet, especially socks by Nancy Buch (my favorite sock knitter) or by Cookie-A (my second favorite sock knitter).

Well we finally left, and I was really quite tired.  I went home and took a nap, and I can't remember what happened for the rest of the day, but I did come down with a fairly bad sore throat.  But then, after chemo I always get a sore throat.  I'm pretty sure I did something that evening.  That's because I tend to keep going, whether I should or not.

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Days Eighty Three and Four - Keeping busy to stay sane

"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

I'd had enough moping about and I needed to stay busy, and to keep eating.  My family really helped out in this area.  On Tuesday I'm not sure what I did in the morning, but I know that Claudia came with her friend to do some cleaning shortly after lunchtime.  But speaking of lunchtime, I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat in the house, so I just kind of layed around and felt hungry.

Zac with Caleb and Caleb's stuff, in May

Then shortly after Claudia left Zac and Caleb came by to visit.  They hadn't had lunch, so we soon went to lunch at Nicholas's, where we shared a mezza.  It's do nice that Zac doesn't seem to get tired of eating mezza, and that he's terrific about coming over to keep me company.  I must don't do so well all by myself for long.  Actually, I think that Zac has the same problem.  This works.  And it's so nice to eat a good lunch, even if it's at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Then I think that after lunch both Caleb and I needed a bit of a nap.  Then eventually Zac left to go get Sarah down town.

Caleb and Sarah

I'm not sure what we did for dinner, as I had eaten a late lunch, perhaps we went to ChaChaCha for a cheese quasadilla, I'm not sure.  But I do know that we watched a great baseball game.  The Mariners beat the Kansas City Royals 7 to 6 in a really sea-saw game in Kansas City.  And the pitcher was the Australian Ryan Rowland-Smith.  It's always good to see him do well.

Mariners' starting pitcher Ryan Rowland-Smith

Have I mentioned that I love baseball.

Wednesday my sister was due in town.  Now that's no small feat, as she and her daughter Clarice were driving up from Los Angeles.  The headed out on Tuesday, and were to stop in Ashland to see Much Ado About Nothing, which was set in Italy in the 1940s.  

Me and Clarice and Nancy and Beth,all trying to look as thin as possiple.

Zac and Caleb came by again (I think) and we went to eat at Petit Provence with Annie.  Zac had eaten already, but he was very willing to go to lunch with me.  I had a cup of soup, Annie had a cup of French onion soup, and Zac had a chocolate mouse dessert, and Caleb had a good time.  Afterwards we went to the toy store called Grasshopper, where I appreciated being about to sit down, and Caleb had a wonderful time.  It really is a nice children's store.  Zac bought Caleb a little wooden rattle that looked like a ladybug.  Unfortunately, when we got home the rattle came apart.  Not good.  Zac swept up all the little beads that were inside the rattle, and carefully separated them from what else got swept up by the sweeper.

Nancy and Sarah and a dinner party at my house.

Zac and Caleb and Annie left, and soon afterwards Riley arrived home early, which was so good of him, as we were going to be going to dinner with not only Nancy and Clarice, but my Mom and Dad, who always need to eat early because that's what really old people do.  I had it in mind that we would eat either at Pho Van or Nicholas's.  Everyone arrived shortly before six, and it was quickly agreed that we would go to Nicholas's.  That was great with me, and my Mom said it was fine with her.  We had taken my parents there in the winter, where we had to stand outside in the cold, and when we got inside it was of course loud and full of strange people.

Sarah and Zac and Caleb in Tennessee.

We all had a wonderful time at Nicholas's.  We ordered mezza for two, with a kafta and skewered lamb, spinach pie, and majadra.  We just about ate it all, and then we finished off with baklava, which my mother loved, as did Clarice.  I actually couldn't taste the baklava, and my mother quickly accepted the remains of mine.  My sister had also talked my Dad into a strawberry lemonade, which he insisted he didn't want, but I could see that he really liked it.  In the end my sister paid for the whole dinner, which had been her plan all along.  She was very delighted at how inexpensive the whole dinner was.  She was obviously coming at this from an L.A. point of view.  But then, it was inexpensive for six people.  It was most likely less that $30.

Clarice and her puppy.

It was so nice to get together with my sister, and I was in very good spirits when everyone left.  We then, of course, settle in to watch baseball - another good game.  The Mariners beat the Royals 11 to 6.

Seattle Mariners' Jack Wilson (brand new to the team) scores before the tag from Kansas City Royals catcher Miguel Olivo on a triple by Mariners' catcher Rob Johnson in the seventh inning.

Exodus 33:19

And [the LORD] said [to Moses], " I Myself will make all My goodness pass before you, and will proclaim the name of the LORD before you; and I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show compassion on whom I will show compassion.".

Day Eighty Two - an encouraging time

Deuteronomy 31:8

"The LORD is the One 

Who goes ahead of you; 

He will be with you 

He will not fail you or forsake you. 

Do not fear or be dismayed."

I got up this morning still determined I didn't need to go to the doctor, but Riley was more determined that I was going to the doctor, so okay.  The plan was that I would pick him up before I went.  He had a meeting that was too end not long before my appointment at 3 something.

Sometime during the day I took Riley to work, and then decided to go to Goodwill for a while.  Then I went home and fretted about most likely.  I do remember that by the time I left to get Riley I was in a stressed mood.  Riley called while I was on my way and we got into a tenseness while talking.  There was a misunderstanding somewhere.  I did appear to be a bit behind schedule, but that because the traffic was jammed up getting onto the freeway.

But as I was driving I was earnestly praying and asking God to please have the whole appointment be encouraging instead of discouraging, as it had been with the sonogram and the radiologist.  I was feeling desperately in need of encouragement.

My new rose - Jayne Austin - is doing very well.

But anyway, we got to the doctor's on time, and I was quickly shown into the little doctor room, where I said I didn't want to put on the "gown".  I was seen by the doctor's PA, whose name I can't remember at this moment.  She started out very pleasant and friendly, making me feel calm from the start.  I told her about the small lump on my side.  She felt it, and said it wasn't really anything.  Most likely a slightly inflamed node due to my shingles.  Nothing to worry about.  Then she said that she had seen the pictures from the sonogram and they looked good.  She could see that the tumor under my arm was smaller.  I asked about my breast and she said that it's hard to tell until the operation.  But she then said that it probably had dead cells in it, and that's why it doesn't seem smaller.  She did not seem the least bit worried about it.  Basically she was encouraging about everything.  She even said it was a good thing to take the milk thistle because it protects the liver.

Well I was now feeling much better.  She ended the appointment by saying that it was time that I get scheduled for talking with the doctor about my operation.  So she took me into the person who schedules such things.  The appoint is September 9th, and it was explained that the operation would be about a month later.  Well there, I finally had some idea of when I would be operated on.  It is inevitable.  No escaping it.

Food, glorious food!

So when we left the office I felt so much better I suggested we celebrate.  But how do you celebrate when you're on chemo.  Well I decided "what the heck", I want to have a frappaccino at Starbucks, and that just what I had.  I was ever to tasty.  I have on all the time if I didn't worry about it being bad for me.

Then I took Riley back to work.  At least I think that's what I did.  Do I suspect the fuzzy brain creeping in on me?  Then I think he later came home on the bus, and I suspect we went to ChaChaCha for a cheese quesadilla.  I like to eat food that I can file lots of things onto, so it's very moist.  Thought I don't like sour cream.  So in this case it's the salsa and the guacamole.  When I'm eating the Lebanese food, it's the tsatziki and the tabbouleh, and then not the humus, which is like paste in my mouth.  I am soooooooooo looking forward to just plain enjoying all foods!

"Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."   Philippians 2:1-4

Days Seventy Eight to Eighty One - Struggling with ups and downs

 Psalm 55:4-6

My heart is in anguish within me,

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me. 

Fear and trembling come upon me,

And horror has overwhelmed me. 

I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest. 

After my visit to the dour radiologist I have struggled to keep myself from depression.  He was so cheerless, so unencouraging, so impersonal. On Thursday I think I slept a great deal. This is always a response to depression. I did crossword puzzles, read Angela's Ashes (now there's a book that can be depressing or distressing), But I did try and bet out some.

Eating has become a huge struggle. Just trying to get anything down. It's not that it doesn't stay down, it just won't go down. I don't have properly working saliva glands. But I think on Thursday I picked up Annie in the early afternoon. She was hungry and suggested we go out to eat. Somehow we ended up going to Best Baguette, a Vietnamese sandwich shop. I didn't know what to get, but I figured I could mooch off of some of Annie's food. I did order a boba, which I thought was a fruit smoothie. But when I went over to the pick-up counter I saw the girl put into the blender ice and strawberry syrup. Absolutely no strawberries. I did taste good, but I knew it wouldn't be good for me, so I only ate about 20% of it. I also ate a bit of meat from Annie's sandwich, and a whole bag of the veggies that go with the sandwich, minus the jalapenos and cilantro.

So then we decided that maybe I would really like a Jamba Juice drink. The only place I knew to find that was over by IKEA, so off I headed. It was seeming important to me that I get proper nourishment. I got one to which I added some vitamins and some whey powder. To me it tasted pretty good. Annie said it tasted odd to her. Then we went to IKEA, where we sat in the restaurant. Annie got coffee and cake. I drank my juice, but I was getting very cold, so when I was finished we then walked the store, which is always enjoyable. I showed Annie the couch they had that has the exact same cover that our IKEA couch in Hong Kong had. She was surprised and pleased as we had been to see it. What fun!.

Can you believe I once owned a sofa like this. It was so comfortable in 1980. It was in Hong Kong, and I was exhausted from our 23 hour plane flight with four children (three in diapers), and I just needed a comfortable place to sit, as we had hardly any furniture in our flat. We all loved it, but one day, back in America, I loaned it to some missionary friends and told them I wanted it back before they left the country. Well it's now in Austria. I was not happy about losing that sofa.

I don't know what happened the rest of the day, but I know I didn't eat any more food. Somehow I think Riley went out to Burger King for a hamburger. Wouldn't I love to do that. My favorite is a whopper junior, minus pickles, plus jalapenos, with mustard and extra tomatoes. But I know absolutely I couldn't eat that now. The jalapenos alone would be my undoing.

Friday was just as depressing, if not more so. But I do remember that Riley and I did go out in the afternoon. We went back to Jamba Juice, so I could eat something. Then we went to Marshal's for a bit, where I found a cocoa pot that matched one of my dishes set. That was nice. I already had the teapot, So now I can serve two beverages with the set. Though it's not like I have a lot, because I've gotten it at Goodwill a bit at a time. I guess I'm just a magpie at heart. Then we went to walk around IKEA. We didn't buy anything that I know of.

Then I think we went over to my brother Bill's house. I can't be certain about times. But anyway, just Jill was there at first, and we sat around and chatted about their new remodel and all kinds of things. And then eventually Bill showed up. We talked about this and that, and then I asked him to pray before we left. And he prayed big time. That's so nice. They also gave me a piece of material from the dress Jill wore for Ian's wedding. They had a good friend who's know for his praying for the sick, and he prayed over the piece of material. That was a special thing.

Acts 19:11-12

"God was performing extraordinary miracles by the hands of Paul, so that handkerchiefs or aprons were even carried from his body to the sick, and the diseases left them and the evil spirits went out."

Then, after leaving Bill and Jill's, we went to Ken's Artisan Pizza, because I thought Riley deserved to eat something he really likes. Unfortunately I can't really eat the food there. Pizza goes over like a lead balloon, I don't care how good it is. And we forgot to ask for light dressing on the salad, which made it rather strong for me. But food aside, we had a very nice time.

Unfortunately I had a terrible time with my shingles that night. I couldn't tell what body part was really hurting. It was as though the pain was radiating out. Oh, and I forgot to mention, earlier in the day I had noticed a kind of lump on my left front side. Riley could feel it also, as could Jill. So that was freaking me out. Riley called the doctor and made an appointment with the PA for Dr. Johnson. I was really in a panic about the whole thing. So when I woke up the next morning (that's assuming I actually got to sleep), I decided to hardly eat at all. I thought maybe the problem was my digestive system being attacked by the chemo. It wasn't hard to hardly eat at all, but not necessarily good for me.

I just laid about for a lot of Saturday, kind of moaning silently to myself and panicking about having to go to the doctor. I kept coming up with a good reason why I didn't need to go to the doctor. I slept and read and moped. Eventually I sent Riley out to dinner with Annie. They went to Pasta Pastini. That's not the real name of the restaurant, but that's what we call it. I knew I couldn't stand to go there because it would smell like garlic.

Psalm 147:1

  

Praise the LORD! 

How good it is to sing praises to our God, 

How pleasant and fitting to praise Him!

Sunday morning we went to church. We didn't really eat before hand. Then after church, while standing out on the sidewalk talking to people, I suddenly felt very faint. The kind of faint where you think maybe you are starving. I absolutely had to go sit down, and we went and sat in the car. We talking with Heidi for a while, but then I knew I needed to eat. We went home and I had a custard. Then we watch baseball. Good old baseball! And then Ken and Marilyn showed up and we all went to Petite Provence for lunch, where I had chicken soup. Unfortunately there was a lot of chicken in the soup. I would have preferred to get chicken soup where I ended up with mostly veggies. But what wasn't chicken was good.

After lunch we all went to an open house. A house I had wanted to see inside of since I was very young. It seems that in our neighborhood someone build several radically modern houses up on Alemeda ridge. I used to walk past a couple on my way to first grade. Even at that young age I knew the houses were very different. So it was a really treat to see one. It seems it had only had three owners in all those years. It was very modern, had a very incredible view, and I'd never want to live there. For starters, there were almost no walls for art. And also, if it snowed you were completely stuck in the house, as the walk up to the house was so steep.

Isaiah 2:22

Stop trusting in man,
  who has but a breath in his nostrils.
  Of what account is he?

Then we went home, and I'll bet I took a nap. I don't know what else happened that day, but I do know that Riley said he was determined that I should go to the doctor, even though I didn't want to. But of course I didn't want to go because I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to doctors. I don't want to hear any bad news. I spent a lot of time reading my Bible before going to sleep. I also probably read some of Angela's Ashes, even though I know it's sad, and I should be reading funny stuff.

Psalm 86

 1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, 

       for I am poor and needy.

 2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to You.
       You are my God; save Your servant
       who trusts in You.

 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
       for I call to You all day long.

 4 Bring joy to Your servant,
       for to You, O Lord,
       I lift up my soul.

 5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
       abounding in love to all who call to You.

 6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
       listen to my cry for mercy.

 7 In the day of my trouble I will call to You,
       for You will answer me.

 8 Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
       no deeds can compare with Yours.

 9 All the nations You have made
       will come and worship before You, O Lord;
       they will bring glory to Your name.

 10 For You are great and do marvelous deeds;
       You alone are God.

 11 Teach me Your way, O LORD,
       and I will walk in Your truth;
       give me an undivided heart,
       that I may fear Your name.

 12 I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
       I will glorify Your name forever.

 13 For great is Your love toward me;
       You have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 

 14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
       a band of ruthless [demons] seeks my life—
       [beings] without regard for You.

 15 But You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
       slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

 16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
       grant Your strength to Your servant..  

 17 Give me a sign of Your goodness,
       that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
       for You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Day Seventy Seven - the radiologist

1 Peter 4:12-13

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation."

I was really really dreading going to the radiologist. I knew long ago that they would sent me back for a sonogram, and thus I'd be seen by that horrid radiologist, but it was always a dread in the back of my mind.  Would they find out that I wasn't getting any better?  Would the radiologist be just as horrid.  

Riley decided that he would go with me. Partly because it was so hot, and partly because I was dreading it. We go there right on time, and it wasn't long before they came and got me. I told Riley that it would be about a half hour. The first person who saw me was a very pleasant nurse. Of course nothing can really make the process pleasant, but anyhow ... At first she told me to get the gown on and lay down on the table (or what ever it is). I could see that it could recline more, and I was very very sleepy, so she put it down for me before she left the room. I had a nice time relaxing there.

Then she finally came back and did all the sonogramming she wanted to do, and then said she would now go and get the radiologist. He doesn't even have a name for goodness sakes! So I laid there trying to relax. I decided to sing hymns, and that was very comforting. Then I decided that I would put my own words to the tunes, and that was amazing. I couldn't believe how it all just flowed out of me. I was telling God how I felt about all of this. I thing the main tune I used was Be Thou My Vision, one of my very favorites.


Well the radiologist finally appeared, with an intern in tow. The radiologist had to do sonograms on me himself. He did the same thing last time. Why doesn't he just come in the first time? He didn't seem to like the fact that his diagnosis of what kind of cancer I had had been changed by my surgeon. But he did say that the tumor under my arm seemed to be getting smaller.

At least the intern was very nice. The radiologist noticed that the stitches from my biopsy were still in. I explained that no one had tried to take them out, and I wasn't about to do it myself. So the doctor asked the intern if he would like to do it, and he was quite willing. But they needed a sutcher removing kit, which someone had to fetch from the hospital next door. And then they needed to find a disinfectant (I can't remember the name of the stuff). But finally, everything was gathered, and he very gingerly and carefully removed the two stitches. It was a good thing he did that, because if it had been much longer it might have been grown over.

The intern then very nicely told me I was done, and I could go. Much better that the way the radiologist did it last time. When I got out Riley was at the desk wanting to find out what had happened to me. It had been an hour. It wouldn't have been so long except for the stitches bit. I was in a so-so mood, and I was tired. We probably went home and I laid down.

Later in the day I began to get depressed. That radiologist really gets to me. He's so grim. Riley went down town to pick up a computer so he could work at home. He had lunch while down there. I struggled with lunch, I probably had a smoothie. Eating is getting harder and harder.

Because of the heat, we spent the majority of the day in the upstairs room with the air conditioner. I spent time reading and doing crossword puzzles, and you can bet we watched Jeopardy. At some point Stephane and Emily and Parker came over to go swimming. Heidi was at home doing freelance work. I decided to put on my bathing suit this time, and as I did so I accidently scratched my rash and it really hurt. I didn't thing much more about it at the time, but I did later.


I got Emily into a little suit that she had last year. I fit pretty well. Then we went out and got on the stairs of the pool. Riley soon joined us. The kids had a wonderful time, but then spent a lot of the time right by me. Well, actually, Emily pretty much didn't leave my side. It wasn't till later that I realized how close those two kids got to me and my scratch. I hadn't washed my hands, and the scratch was just below the top of my suit. I certainly prayed that they would be okay, and not get chickenpox.

Eventually they left, and we watch Jaepordy, and then some baseball. And then we went to bed. This time I slept in the sunroom, and then Riley could sleep in the only bed in the air conditioned room. But first we both sat in the air conditioning. I sat there all depressed, and Riley was concerned. Then Riley took out his phone and called a dear friend of ours who's a chaplain with the city of Bothell. He's always a good person to talk to when things aren't going well. Shortly after Chuck got on the phone, Riley handed the phone to me, and I talked with Chuck for quite a while.

Chuck, driving his dearly loved sail boat.

I was telling him my struggles and after a while he said he could see one of my problems - I was suffering from a loss, the loss of food. He knows me well enough that this has a lot of different aspects in my life. It's not just eating, but entertaining, and the joy of cooking. He suggested that I might start a diary, not just the blog one, but one that's very personal, just between me and God. That did sound like a good suggestion. Well Chuck was actually in Baltimore, so I knew I was keeping him up, and we got off the phone. I certainly was good to talk with him.

Then after a bit I was off to bed. Luckily it didn't take me too long to get to sleep, at least I don't think it did.

James 1:2-4

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Day Seventy Six - Caleb's first birthday and incredible heat!

Psalm 127:2-4

It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.

Yesterday, when Riley decided to get me out of the house, I decided that we should go get Emily and take her to Barnes and Noble.  I called Heidi, and she said that Tom was supposed to have gotten her.  Well I asked if she knew this for sure, and she didn't.  So we stopped by the day care center and sure enough Emily was there.  She was working at a computer, and doing a very good job, I must say!  What an amazing world we live in, where 2 year olds understand computers.

Emily was glad to go to Barnes and Noble, which she refered to as a library.  She ran right in and then ran straight to the children's book section, where she knew just what she wanted - princess books.  Then I finally convinced her she had enough of them, and we went to find Papa and a table.  Eventually Papa and Emily settled on a rice crispy treat, iced coffee, and a warm chocolate milk (her choice).  Then I went and got a few things to read.  And then Papa got a few things to read, and we all settled in with our breading material.  I had chosen a couple doll magazines, which really got Emily's attention.  All in all, we had a fine time reading.  Then at the appropriate time Heidi showed up to collect Emily, who didn't want to go.  But she was eventually convinced of the necessity of leaving.  


After they left Riley decided we should walk around a bit.  That was a good idea, as I needed to get my blood flowing, or whatever it is.  As we passed Gymboree, by favorite children's clothing store, I suddenly remember Caleb's birthday.  So we went straight in, and back to the little boys section.  As I looked through the clothes, trying to find something without words on the front, I soon picked out a really cute red and navy onesie, and a very cute rugby shirt.  Riley was thrilled with the ruby shirt, and I soon found a pair of navy shorts to go with it.  And there you have it.  Two cute outfits, one from each of us.  Riley was so excited that he got to help pick out the outfit.  He usually gets left out of such things.  But after the shopping I was ready to go home and take a little nap.


So then today I took Riley to work and decided that I needed to buy a small toy for Caleb.  What kid wants to get just clothes?  I called Annie to see if she'd like to go with me, but no answer.  Found out later that she just didn't bother to answer her phone.  !!!!  She would have liked to have gone with me.  So I decided I would go to Grasshopper, the lovely children's store on Alberta, right down from Petit Provence.  I combed the store thoroughly to find just the right toy. Not an easy task. But before I was done I was tired, and I found a chair and sat down for a while. But I eventually settled on a toy with shapes that go into holes in a box - a very mathematical toy I thought. They wrapped it for me, and I headed home.

Caleb finds a first class treasure, a flashlight.

How is it that all children love flashlights?

On the way home Annie called (I think) because she saw that I called. I told her what had happened, and offered to give her and Corey a ride somewhere, as it was getting very very hot for being before noon. They hustled, and were ready when I got there. I took them to the Lloyd Center. Then I went home and took a nap. I don't knew whether it was the heat or the chemo that got to me.

Poor Heidi wasn't doing well in the hear, but Stephane was doing alright.

And Corey was doing alright.

The day just got hotter and hotter, and I stayed in my air conditioned bedroom. Luckily Riley came home on time, or I might have forgotten the party. I'm glad I didn't have to bring anything except the presents and myself. The party was at Green Gables, and it surely was hot there.

Tiah did a lot to help organize the party.

We arrived just as Sarah and Zac arrived with Amalfi's pizzas. There was also chips and dip, friut salad, and a quinoa salad. Now that's only an approximation on that last item. It wasn't long before it was decided we should go down stairs. as it was too hot upstairs.

Caleb really enjoyed his birthday pizza. It was from the exact same restaurant that my 14th birthday pizza was from, my very first pizza.

The basement was better, but when it's 106 degrees outside, nothing is too much better. But the birthday boy was having a good time. He didn't seem to be the least bit bothered about the heat.

He spent a good deal of time practicing his walking.

After eating the presents were opened.

Emily really enjoyed her job as next present picker-outer.

Caleb wasn't too sure of the present he received from Annie and Corey - an animated stuffed baby elephant.

But Emily, Annie, and Sarah were highly amused. Caleb did begin to warm up to the baby elephant.

Caleb and his parents, shortly before they decided he needed to get home to bed.

Heidi and Stephane needed to do some moving (as Heidi still had stuff at Green Gables), so Riley and I took Emily to our house, along with Annie, I think. It was so hot we went out to the pool, where Emily wanted to get into the water. I still haven't been able to find to lovely swimming suit I bought her, so I just took off all but her panties.

She loves being in the water as long as I'm right there.

Annie and Riley also got into the pool. Emily didn't like them to get too close, lest they grab her and take her out into the pool, away from me and the steps.

She had a great time splashing Annie.

Finally I decided Emily was too cold, and I was tired, so I took her out and dressed her in a dress from upstairs, and set her clothes in the front hall for her Mom to collect. They eventually showed up and went swimming - I think. Then they all went home. And it wasn't long before I went to bed. We slept in the room with the air conditioner, as it was sooooooo hot upstairs.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep,

For You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. 

Psalm 4:8