Days Seventy Eight to Eighty One - Struggling with ups and downs

 Psalm 55:4-6

My heart is in anguish within me,

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me. 

Fear and trembling come upon me,

And horror has overwhelmed me. 

I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest. 

After my visit to the dour radiologist I have struggled to keep myself from depression.  He was so cheerless, so unencouraging, so impersonal. On Thursday I think I slept a great deal. This is always a response to depression. I did crossword puzzles, read Angela's Ashes (now there's a book that can be depressing or distressing), But I did try and bet out some.

Eating has become a huge struggle. Just trying to get anything down. It's not that it doesn't stay down, it just won't go down. I don't have properly working saliva glands. But I think on Thursday I picked up Annie in the early afternoon. She was hungry and suggested we go out to eat. Somehow we ended up going to Best Baguette, a Vietnamese sandwich shop. I didn't know what to get, but I figured I could mooch off of some of Annie's food. I did order a boba, which I thought was a fruit smoothie. But when I went over to the pick-up counter I saw the girl put into the blender ice and strawberry syrup. Absolutely no strawberries. I did taste good, but I knew it wouldn't be good for me, so I only ate about 20% of it. I also ate a bit of meat from Annie's sandwich, and a whole bag of the veggies that go with the sandwich, minus the jalapenos and cilantro.

So then we decided that maybe I would really like a Jamba Juice drink. The only place I knew to find that was over by IKEA, so off I headed. It was seeming important to me that I get proper nourishment. I got one to which I added some vitamins and some whey powder. To me it tasted pretty good. Annie said it tasted odd to her. Then we went to IKEA, where we sat in the restaurant. Annie got coffee and cake. I drank my juice, but I was getting very cold, so when I was finished we then walked the store, which is always enjoyable. I showed Annie the couch they had that has the exact same cover that our IKEA couch in Hong Kong had. She was surprised and pleased as we had been to see it. What fun!.

Can you believe I once owned a sofa like this. It was so comfortable in 1980. It was in Hong Kong, and I was exhausted from our 23 hour plane flight with four children (three in diapers), and I just needed a comfortable place to sit, as we had hardly any furniture in our flat. We all loved it, but one day, back in America, I loaned it to some missionary friends and told them I wanted it back before they left the country. Well it's now in Austria. I was not happy about losing that sofa.

I don't know what happened the rest of the day, but I know I didn't eat any more food. Somehow I think Riley went out to Burger King for a hamburger. Wouldn't I love to do that. My favorite is a whopper junior, minus pickles, plus jalapenos, with mustard and extra tomatoes. But I know absolutely I couldn't eat that now. The jalapenos alone would be my undoing.

Friday was just as depressing, if not more so. But I do remember that Riley and I did go out in the afternoon. We went back to Jamba Juice, so I could eat something. Then we went to Marshal's for a bit, where I found a cocoa pot that matched one of my dishes set. That was nice. I already had the teapot, So now I can serve two beverages with the set. Though it's not like I have a lot, because I've gotten it at Goodwill a bit at a time. I guess I'm just a magpie at heart. Then we went to walk around IKEA. We didn't buy anything that I know of.

Then I think we went over to my brother Bill's house. I can't be certain about times. But anyway, just Jill was there at first, and we sat around and chatted about their new remodel and all kinds of things. And then eventually Bill showed up. We talked about this and that, and then I asked him to pray before we left. And he prayed big time. That's so nice. They also gave me a piece of material from the dress Jill wore for Ian's wedding. They had a good friend who's know for his praying for the sick, and he prayed over the piece of material. That was a special thing.

Acts 19:11-12

"God was performing extraordinary miracles by the hands of Paul, so that handkerchiefs or aprons were even carried from his body to the sick, and the diseases left them and the evil spirits went out."

Then, after leaving Bill and Jill's, we went to Ken's Artisan Pizza, because I thought Riley deserved to eat something he really likes. Unfortunately I can't really eat the food there. Pizza goes over like a lead balloon, I don't care how good it is. And we forgot to ask for light dressing on the salad, which made it rather strong for me. But food aside, we had a very nice time.

Unfortunately I had a terrible time with my shingles that night. I couldn't tell what body part was really hurting. It was as though the pain was radiating out. Oh, and I forgot to mention, earlier in the day I had noticed a kind of lump on my left front side. Riley could feel it also, as could Jill. So that was freaking me out. Riley called the doctor and made an appointment with the PA for Dr. Johnson. I was really in a panic about the whole thing. So when I woke up the next morning (that's assuming I actually got to sleep), I decided to hardly eat at all. I thought maybe the problem was my digestive system being attacked by the chemo. It wasn't hard to hardly eat at all, but not necessarily good for me.

I just laid about for a lot of Saturday, kind of moaning silently to myself and panicking about having to go to the doctor. I kept coming up with a good reason why I didn't need to go to the doctor. I slept and read and moped. Eventually I sent Riley out to dinner with Annie. They went to Pasta Pastini. That's not the real name of the restaurant, but that's what we call it. I knew I couldn't stand to go there because it would smell like garlic.

Psalm 147:1

  

Praise the LORD! 

How good it is to sing praises to our God, 

How pleasant and fitting to praise Him!

Sunday morning we went to church. We didn't really eat before hand. Then after church, while standing out on the sidewalk talking to people, I suddenly felt very faint. The kind of faint where you think maybe you are starving. I absolutely had to go sit down, and we went and sat in the car. We talking with Heidi for a while, but then I knew I needed to eat. We went home and I had a custard. Then we watch baseball. Good old baseball! And then Ken and Marilyn showed up and we all went to Petite Provence for lunch, where I had chicken soup. Unfortunately there was a lot of chicken in the soup. I would have preferred to get chicken soup where I ended up with mostly veggies. But what wasn't chicken was good.

After lunch we all went to an open house. A house I had wanted to see inside of since I was very young. It seems that in our neighborhood someone build several radically modern houses up on Alemeda ridge. I used to walk past a couple on my way to first grade. Even at that young age I knew the houses were very different. So it was a really treat to see one. It seems it had only had three owners in all those years. It was very modern, had a very incredible view, and I'd never want to live there. For starters, there were almost no walls for art. And also, if it snowed you were completely stuck in the house, as the walk up to the house was so steep.

Isaiah 2:22

Stop trusting in man,
  who has but a breath in his nostrils.
  Of what account is he?

Then we went home, and I'll bet I took a nap. I don't know what else happened that day, but I do know that Riley said he was determined that I should go to the doctor, even though I didn't want to. But of course I didn't want to go because I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to doctors. I don't want to hear any bad news. I spent a lot of time reading my Bible before going to sleep. I also probably read some of Angela's Ashes, even though I know it's sad, and I should be reading funny stuff.

Psalm 86

 1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, 

       for I am poor and needy.

 2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to You.
       You are my God; save Your servant
       who trusts in You.

 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
       for I call to You all day long.

 4 Bring joy to Your servant,
       for to You, O Lord,
       I lift up my soul.

 5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
       abounding in love to all who call to You.

 6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
       listen to my cry for mercy.

 7 In the day of my trouble I will call to You,
       for You will answer me.

 8 Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord;
       no deeds can compare with Yours.

 9 All the nations You have made
       will come and worship before You, O Lord;
       they will bring glory to Your name.

 10 For You are great and do marvelous deeds;
       You alone are God.

 11 Teach me Your way, O LORD,
       and I will walk in Your truth;
       give me an undivided heart,
       that I may fear Your name.

 12 I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
       I will glorify Your name forever.

 13 For great is Your love toward me;
       You have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 

 14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
       a band of ruthless [demons] seeks my life—
       [beings] without regard for You.

 15 But You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
       slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

 16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
       grant Your strength to Your servant..  

 17 Give me a sign of Your goodness,
       that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
       for You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.