Day Nine - You Gotta Believe!

Proverbs 3:5-6

 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

       and he will make your paths straight.

I woke up this morning in a panic.  My heart was racing, and I was all sweaty.  I'm terrified.

Psalm 86:1-3 

 1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, 

       for I am poor and needy.

 2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to You.
       You are my God; save Your servant
       who trusts in You.

 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
       for I call to You all day long.

Needing to be at St Vincent's Hospital at 8 in the morning is a bother.  Then I will get the doctor's program, and be I'll be terrified for the rest of the day.  Dear Lord, please be easy on me, for I am so afraid.  Why me, Lord?  Why this?  What is Your purpose?  Lord please have mercy on me.

Psalm 6:1-3 

    1O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,

         Nor chasten me in Your wrath. 

    2Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away;

         Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. 

    3And my soul is greatly dismayed;

         But You, O LORD--how long?

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
be all else but naught to me, save that thou art;
be thou my best thought in the day and the night,
both waking and sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, be thou my true word,
be thou ever with me, and I with thee Lord;
be thou my great Father, and I thy true son;
be thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Be thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight;
be thou my whole armor, be thou my true might;
be thou my soul's shelter, be thou my strong tower:
O raise thou me heavenward, great Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise:
be thou mine inheritance now and always;
be thou and thou only the first in my heart;
O Sovereign of heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, thou heaven's bright sun,
O grant me its joys after victory is won;
great Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be thou my vision, O Ruler of all.

Well that was an amazing day. We hustled to get ready, but we managed to get out to St Vincent's pretty much on time. But by the time I got out of the car I was in a real panic. Luckily I spotted a bathroom just across from the doctor's door. I had with me my knitting and my Bible. I was reading Psalm 20 when they called my name.

Psalm 20:1-5

 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; 

       may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May He send you help from the sanctuary 


and grant you support from Zion.

 May He remember all your sacrifices 


and accept your burnt offerings. 

 May He give you the desire of your heart 


and make all your plans succeed.

 We will shout for joy when you are victorious 


and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. 


May the LORD grant all your requests.

I read this several times.  And then Riley and I prayed silently.  Then a young woman named Lindsy called me, and we both went back.  She was very friendly, asked me a few questions, explained a few things, then asked me to put on the little gown, and said that Dr. Johnson would soon be in to see me.

Dr Johnson was an extremely gentle and pleasant women.  She gave me an exam.  Then I was to put my clothes back on and Margie would come in to explain some things to me.  She too was very pleasant.  She explained the details of my cancer.  First she explained that I do not have inflammatory cancer, but normal breast cancer with just a bit of an oddity.  It seems that I have lots of little tumors, and quite possible a tumor under my right arm (that seems to be the real danger).  She said I was stage III.  Now that's not so good, but they seemed confident that things were going to be okay.  Because of all the little tumors, they are going to start with four months of chemotherapy.   Then, they said I would be having a mastectomy, because of there being too many little tumors, and they'd need to remove whatever is under my arm.  This is discouraging, but somehow, with the way they were telling me all this I wasn't too upset.  But I did need to go to the bathroom again.

Then Dr. Johnson came back, and she was so sweet in talking to me about everything.  Then, when it seemed she was probably done, she was called away, but she said she would be back soon.  I was clutching my Bible while she talked to me, so when she went out I read Psalm 20 again.  Then Dr. Johnson reappeared, apologizing for the delay.  Then she said she had just one more thing she wanted to do.  She wanted to pray for us, and at then she sat close to Riley and I and she prayed an awesome prayer.  Then at closing she began to sing the chorus from "Because He Lives", and we joined in as best we could, which was a little difficult, because both Riley and I was on the verge of tears.  It was such and overwhelming experience.  Then when we finish she hugged us both.  For sure, at that we were totally convinced that we had the right doctor.  We left just stunned.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

They had scheduled for me to go to an oncologist at 12:30 at a cancer clinic over by the Rose Quarter.  It was 9:30, and I was feeling good, so I said I'd like to go for coffee, which pleased Riley.  We went to the Pearl Bakery, and I had a 12 oz single.  Riley got a pain aux raisins, and I had a taste and it was too sweet for me.  Nothing like not eating sugar for a week.  We did all the puzzles on the comic page, and Riley read the sports page, and all in all we had a really nice time.  Then we went to Powells, where I got a copy of a Moosewood cookbook that Alyson Targa recommended, and an Inspector Maigret mystery in French, copyrighted 1932.  Then we went back to the Pearl Bakery, for lunch.  I had a ham and fontina sandwich.  

When we left it was a bit early, so Riley went and parked in front of the Dublin Bay knitting store, and suggested that I go in for a while.  Well I found the latest issue of the Rowan Knitting Magazine, and knew immediately that that's what I wanted.  I've been collecting most copies of that magazine since volume 1.  It only comes out twice a year.

By the time we got to the oncologists I was starting to be just a little panicked, but we had a lot of forms to fill out.  Then they finally got me and took my vital signs.  I weighed 10 pounds less than the last time the doctor weighed me this month.  My blood pressure was higher than I was used to, my heart rate was 102, and my temperature was almost 100.  It was obvious that I was stressing.

Then we were led into little living room type of room.  And soon the doctor came in.  Dr. Look seems to be Korean, and very soft spoken, with a hint of a sense of humor.  He began to give a lot of detail about my condition, which was more than I wanted to know, and pretty soon I needed to go to the bathroom again.  All during this times when people are telling me things Riley is taking notes.  This is so good, because I just couldn't listen that well.

Then I was taken into the next room, and the doctor examined me. He was very gentle, though thorough.  Then I was to get dressed, and his nurse talked with us back in the living room, she was very nice, but I don't remember what she said.  Then came in the other nurse, Mellissa, and she was terrific.  I asked her all kinds of questions about general things, like when does my hair start to fall out, and will it be out the whole 4 months.  She gave us a folder that is organized to contain all the information that will be given to us over the next 8 months, and it also contained lots of very helpful information about how to get extra kinds of help, like from support groups.

We left there feeling very good again.  Riley thought I should go home for a nap, but I assured him I was fine.  We went home to pick up a coupon that Riley had for Eddy Bauer.  There waiting for me on the front porch was a lovely bouquet of flowers from my sister Nancy.  What an incredibly pleasant surprise that was.  I got the flowers out of their box and into water with the packet stuff.

Then we went to Eddy Bauer, where I got 3 new t-shirts, and Riley got 2 pairs of pants, something he's really been wanting.  Then we went to Nordstrum's where I got Clinique sunscreen from a delightful young salesman from Israel.  Then we left the LLoyd Center to go to Fred Meyers for my prescriptions - one to calm me, and one to help me sleep.  On the way there I called the Yeatons to see if they'd like to join us for dinner at Ken's Artisan Pizza.  They were delighted, as was Riley, because he's really been wanting to eat there.   At Freddie's we had bought bananas, and we each ate one, and I took one of my be calm pills, because I knew that Ken and Marilyn would want to talk about things, and I didn't want to have a panic attack.  It worked really well, plus I told them I didn't want to talk about it any more.

I'd done a lot of talking with people about this during the day - aren't cell phones wonderful - but I was done talking about it.  I did fall asleep soon after we got home, but I've roused and I watching the Mariners in the bottom of the 11th inning.  I've got the sleeping pill, but I'm only supposed to take it just before going to bed, no reading in bed or anything.

All in all, it was a great day, even though I am going to have 4 months of kemo, I am going to loose my hair, I do have to have a mastectome, and I do have to have plastic surgery, and I won't be well until about Christmas.