Day Fifty Eight - Could this be my last day with energy?

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

It seems like days since Riley has taken me for a walk. I think that I am wearing on him, or should I say my trouble is wearing on him. It has been a tense week, what with Heidi moving into Stephane's house and Corey moving into Green Gables. And Sarah working long hours both teaching at Mount Hood Community College at 7 in the morning, and the going down town for her research. And then, that makes it hard on Zac, taking care of Caleb and helping with the moving. Can't life get easy sometimes?


I think that the answer to that question is NO! I want to be normal. I want life to be normal. I want to have hair. I want to like food. I want energy like I used to have. I want to be well!!! And I think that it will be a long time before I have those things. But on the other hand I have a nice big family, and very loving husband and a house that I really like, and I live in a beautiful neighborhood with many many trees and lots and lots of lovely flowers. I even have a Huskavarna sewing machine and a Lacanche range. And lots of people are praying for me, and right now that's the best thing of all. So sorry about the little pity party.


I don't remember much about Friday, except that I was in the chemo center for only 30 minutes. They took my vital signs and gave me a white blood cell shot, and I was out of there. Then in the evening I picked up Riley from work and we met Ken and Marilyn at Taco del Mar for dinner, then we went home and played Sequence. Marilyn and I against Ken and Riley. We beat them three games to two. Then we were all tired. After they left we watched baseball for just a little while and then we went to bed.

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

Day Fifty Seven - The Third Chemo, and a different doctor to see

Psalm 25:5-6

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,


For You are the God of my salvation;


For You I wait all the day. 


Remember, O LORD, Your compassion 

   and Your lovingkindnesses,


For they have been everlasting.

I was very nervous this morning about several things.  I had taken my vitamins.  I had to see a different doctor (because mine was on vacation).  I needed to ask about the milk thistle and the raw milk.  Was I making any progress.  Was it bad that I hadn't been feeling terribly run down? Was the chemo working?  So Riley said that he would go with me.  But he went into work first.  I would pick him up just before my appointment at 10:45.  Aside from all the worries, I felt fine.

Things went very smoothly.  They took some blood, and then my vital statistics, and then we waited a bit, as the doctor was a somewhat behind, probably due to the fact that he was seeing another doctors patients.  The doctor, Dr. Spencer Shao,  was Chinese and had a very cherry smile.  This was a good start.  He said that everything looked good, and that it was probably good to take milk thistle, and he was fine with raw milk, and that the rate at which I was losing weight was a good rate, no worries.  All in all, I felt much better after the visit.  Riley could see that I was fine, so he left to go back to work. It was so nice that he came with me when I was nervous.

Up stairs in the infusion center everything went just fine. I had a new nurse, because the past one was due to have a baby any day. The new nurse had no trouble getting the needle into my port. This is always a good thing! I'm not sure what I did to wile the time away, but I had lots of things in my bag that I could do. I also nibbled at the food that I had brought with me and drank the weak iced tea I had. All in all it didn't seemed to take too long, less that two hours, and then I was out of there.

After leaving I had thought I could do something, go somewhere, but then I thought I had better take a nap. So I headed home. I'm sure the reason I probably feel good on chemo day is the steroids they put into me. I sure hope they aren't harming me. If I look it up on the internet I would probably freak out, so I won't do that. I think next time I will just ask Dr. Look about it. I think I can trust his answer. I don't remember what happened the rest of the afternoon. I might have been asked by Heidi to pick up Emily at the day care center. But I don't know.


In the evening I suggested to Riley that we go to Ken's Artisan Pizza, which delighted him. I thought he needed a chance to eat some food he really liked. While there we ordered a caesar salad and an anchovy pizza. I was able to eat the salad without any problem, and I ate one piece of pizza. We had a very pleasant time. They we went home and watched the Mariners beat the Texas Rangers 3 to 1. It was a good game, and a good end to a pleasant day.

Psalm 108:4

For Your lovingkindness is great above the heavens,


And Your truth reaches to the skies

Day Fifty Six - another day with family

Psalm 139:1-5

    1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
    2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
         You understand my thought from afar.
    3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
         And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
    4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
         Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
    5 You have (F)enclosed me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me

.

This morning Riley was very slow in getting going.  I don't even think that we went for a walk.  But at some point I realized I'd better give him a ride.  Then as I headed back home I decided to stop at Goodwill.  I took my time somewhat, but it was odd how I soon was ready to go home.  But at Goodwill I found several Laura Ashley patterns, and a basket that was just like one I thought was mine, but Corey informed me was hers, and she took it.  

After Goodwill I went home and took a nap in the sunroom. The sunroom is on the second floor, in the NE corner, measuring 7'x14', with 3 6 foot windows covered with white curtains that I made from twin flat sheets, and a twin sleigh bed at the far end.  The blankets are white, the ceiling is white, and it feels very ethereal in that room.  

When Zac and Caleb showed up, I asked if they'd like to go to Nicholas's, as my left-0vers were gone. They were very glad to go.   And I don't know how it came about, but Annie and Corey and Tiah also came with us. It did turn out to be Corey who ate my left-overs - very late the night before. We all had a very good time, and when I was packing up the left-overs I took some from the girls left-overs in an attempt to make up for what Corey ate. It didn't take much, actually. It was then time for Caleb and me to take a nap.

I'm not sure how the rest of the afternoon progressed, but at some point both Riley and Sarah showed up.  Have I mentioned that Sarah has been working on a research project down town.  It was rather quickly decided that we would go to Taco Del Mar for dinner.  I got a small fish burrito, which was pretty tasty, all things considered.  I usually would have on my burrito the hot sauce and jalapenos, but today I went almost completely mild.  I can hardly wait until I can eat normally.  I think I rather have the eating normally return before the hair.  I can cope with the hair, or should I say, the lack of hair.


After eating Sarah and Zac and Caleb headed home, and we headed over to my brother Bill's house.  Yesterday was his birthday, but I wasn't able to get a hold of him.  We had a lovely time visiting with Bill and Jill.  They are at the end of a major remodel.  I think it is because their son Ian is getting married on July 18th.  They removed their fireplace, which they said had never worked, and were replacing it with shelving.  They were also putting in a major shelving/TV place in the living room, and new furniture was due within the week.  When we left Jill gave us some of her strawberry jam, which I'm sure will be yummy.


It was late by the time we got home.  We probably watched Jeopardy and went to bed.  Did I mention that I accidentally took my vitamins today.  I was under strict orders from the doctor not to do that.  AAUGH!!!!!  I was in a bit of a panic about that as I went to bed.  Tomorrow was chemo day and I didn't want to make things go wrong.  Who in their right mind would want any delay in this process.  

Psalm 139:14-17

    14 I will give thanks to You,
              for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
          Wonderful are Your works,
          And my soul knows it very well.
    15  My frame was not hidden from You,
          When I was made in secret,
          And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
     16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
         And in Your book were all written
         The days that were ordained for me,
         When as yet there was not one of them.
    17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How vast is the sum of them!

Day Fifty Five - out and about with the kids

"Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment." 1 Corinthians 1:10

It gets so I can't really remember all the details of any given day, but I can maybe remember the significant things.  Maybe it's that way with everyone.  I'm sure I started the day with a walk with Riley and oatmeal.   And quite possibly I gave Riley a ride to work, as he was behind schedule.  Then at some point in the house besides me were Annie, Corey, Christian, Caleb, and Zac.   We all decided to go out for lunch.  The first place opted for was sushi.  I can eat sushi.  But then I remembered that Christian didn't like sushi, so I suggested dim sum.  Well that went over like a lead balloon with Corey, and for a while it looked like we were not going to be able to work this thing out.  Getting six people to agree on lunch when one's on chemo, one wants to be a vegan, and one is a 12 year old is no easy feat.  But at some point Christian said he would try the sushi.  That was good of him.  I decided that we'd go to the sushi on NW 23rd.

Well we all had a really good time, and everyone enjoyed eating sushi.  Christian ate $9 worth of sushi, and I'd say he enjoyed it quite a bit.   Caleb really enjoyed himself also, which is pretty good for an 11 month old.  Afterwards we all (except Christian) went into this amazing boutique that sold second hand clothes from really rich ladies.  What drew us in was Corey wanting to see a Coco Channel handbag that was in the window.  It was a beautiful black and white patent leather purse costing $800.  It was a lovely purse, and even came with its dust cover.  The store is on NW Raleigh between 22nd and 23rd on the south side of the block if anyone's interested.

That evening Riley made blueberry pancakes for dinner.  He can do breakfast food without stressing too much.  It was a pleasant dinner.  After dinner we went for a walk.  But what else we did I don't know.  But I can say that I was feeling pretty good.  Have you noticed that it's all about eating and sleeping and walking.  It is very important that I find food I can eat.  I think most food tastes terrible!  And even if I like it I can only eat a little.   Well "like it" is a loose phrase.  I don't like any food except ice cream sandwiches, which I shouldn't eat.

He said to me, "Son of man, 

feed your stomach and fill your body 

with this scroll which I am giving you " 

Then I ate it, and it was sweet as honey in my mouth. 

Ezekiel 3:3

Day Fifty Four - Off with the hair

"For the LORD of hosts has planned, 

and who can frustrate it? 

And as for His stretched-out hand, 

who can turn it back?"    

Isaiah 14:27 

My hair was really really bothering me, what little I had of it, so I called Zac and asked him to bring over his hair clipping set and get rid of the hair.  He and Caleb came over in the morning, and after just a little bit of hesitation we left with Corey and we went up to the bathroom.  Zac was so sweet about it all.  It was pretty embarrassing to let someone see my mostly bald head. The hairs that had remained were indeed the white ones. Then I quickly put my scarf back on, but it slipped around a lot. I knew I was going to have to solve that somehow.



Soon after I think we all went out to lunch at Nicholas's. It was me and Zac and Caleb and Annie and Corey. Zac and Caleb and I shared a mezza. I was quite surprised at how much I ate, but we didn't eat it all, and Zac let me take home the left-overs. We all had a lovely time, but then it seemed obvious that it was time for Caleb and I to go home and take a nap, which we did. Part of the reason that Zac and Caleb were over at our house was that Sarah was working on a research project down down.

Eventually Sarah showed up, and then Riley showed up, and we all decided to go to dinner at County Cork. Zac had really wanted to have corned beef and cabbage, but they were out. I had chowder, but I couldn't eat it, and I was really glad that I had eaten such a big lunch. It so seems like life is about eating, drinking water, sleeping, and trying to get in a little exercise. Oh, and trying to make sure my scarf is on okay. All during dinner I kept fussing with my scarf, because it was slipping around so much on my bald head.

When we got home, we watch some baseball and then went to bed. Up stairs I again wondered what I would wear on my head for sleeping. I put on the little hat that Tiah made for me, and it was just right. I had just enough short hairs on my head to keep it in place. I still didn't yet show Riley my bald head. I look like a mannequin without its wig.  Now if I could just look as lovely as this mannequin.  Interestingly, this mannequin is called Mollie Bald.  She looks like a real person.  But the skin color is even all over, and when you shave your head, the head part is much lighter.

Job 1:20-21

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.   He said,


           "Naked I came from my mother's womb,


             And naked I shall return there 


            The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.


            Blessed be the name of the LORD."

Day Fifty Three - a lazy Sunday

Psalm 140:6-7 

I said to the LORD, "You are my God;
Give ear, O LORD, to the voice of my supplications.
O GOD the Lord, the strength of my salvation,

You have covered my head in the day of battle."

Somehow it was decided that we would go to the evening service at church.  Maybe we woke up late or we were just too lethargic.  I do know that I was really sick of finding hairs all over my pillow.  So I decided that I would take a shower and give my head a good scrub.  Well I must say a lot of hairs came off, but to my great disappointment the ones that were left looked pretty bad.  It was a sorry mess.  It seemed that the white ones weren't coming off.  Maybe they don't grow fast.  I truly looked like a refugee from Auschwitz, and it was not a sight to be seen.

But it didn't take much to dry my hair. We ate breakfast and then went for a walk. It was a really slow day. Heidi was busy moving, Corey was at work, and Annie was babysitting Emiy. But Riley had contacted over the internet a friend he hadn't seen in a great many years, and he and his wife were going to stop by. Riley was quite funny about this. He was all worried about how clean he wanted the house to be. He scurried around tidying up, while I got a plate of snacks ready. His friend came with his wife Jenny and his daughter and a three year old grandson. Riley and his friend chatted in the back room, which was not where the snacks were, and the rest of us were in the kitchen, sitting at the table. I had made iced tea which everyone had, even the three year old. It was a pleasant time, and then after a half hour they left.



Next came Heidi and Stephane. I can't remember why they stopped by, but we all sat in the kitchen and chatted and they ate the snacks. it was quite pleasant to have just Heidi and Stephane without kids, as they were more relaxed. Stephane showed us on Google the house he grew up in.  You could get a complete view of it.  It was very suburban and on a pleasant street.  

Then when they left we headed out to Fabric Depot, because I wanted to get some fabric and padding to make some chemo scarves. I realize that you need scarves to match your outfit if you want to feel properly dressed. And I think that when you don't have any hair you need to try your level best to look as good as you can. It's all about feeling okay about yourself.

We had thought it would b nice to to to Ken's Artisan Pizza for dinner, but they were closed.  So then we tried to collect the raw milk that we had ordered.  It was supposed to be on the porch of a house on NE Oregon street.  Well when we go there a nice man told us that the person we were looking for had move into a Hindu commune that was right there at the end of the street.  So we walked through the gate into a well landscaped parking lot, and then on into a lovely garden.  But to my horror there, in the middle of the garden, was a shrine to the Hindu god Kali, with a fire pit in front of the statue.  And as we walked further we saw more Hindu gods stashed here and there, all in the beautiful setting.  The main building was a massive brick house like place, that I think used to be a rest home.  Every once in a while we passed placidly peaceful looking middle-aged ex-hippies, who were obviously in the building taking meditation classes.  Other people seemed to be residence of the place.  All in all, it creeped me out.  The woman we were looking for was not to be found.  Actually I don't know how you could find anyone there, as you weren't allowed into the building.

We eventually decided to go to Petite Provence for soup.  Riley ordered onion soup and I ordered the soup of the day.  At first my soup looked terrible, but after I skimmed off the fat on the top of the soup it tasted delicious and I ate all my cup of soup.  I felt good about that.  Then we went home.

We probably watched a little bit of baseball. Actually I think we watched part of the Fourth of July game in Boston. Great game - the Mariners won. We didn't see all the game. But I was pretty freaked out about what to put on my head for sleeping. I found a large silk scarf. But it was hard to keep on. This is very distressing. Maybe I need a sleeping cap.

Psalm 17:7-8 

"Wondrously show Your lovingkindness,
O Savior of those who take refuge at Your right hand
From those who rise up against them.
Keep me as the apple of the eye."

Day Fifty Two - A Great Fourth of July

Romans 8:20-21

"For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God."

I getting behind on my blogging, and my chemo brain doesn't remember things easily, so I'm jumping to the Fourth of July, and then I'll go back. I have been busy of late, especially some time working on a family cookbook blog, which is still getting up.


Anyway, today was just right. Sarah was the one to organize it all, with just some help from me, suggestions that is. She was going to bring chicken and potato salad. Annie did baked beans. Heidi brought a bowl of grapes that was almost all eaten and several bags of chips. Corey brought a black bean salad (vegan of course). Marilyn brought a veggie platter with a humus dip. Gramma brought watermelon, which Corey cut up for her. And finally, I brought organic brownies, oven roasted corn on the cob, and organic strawberries, blackberries, and blueberries.

Caleb, dreaming about being being able to play croquet someday.

In the morning Riley and I walked over to Pete's. Then while we were there Annie joined us. Then we walked walked back, and at some point Annie left to go to her house, as it was lunch time. At home Riley ate his left-over sandwich from Rose's and I ate my left-over food from Nicholas's - a spinach tart, humus, tatziki, tabbouleh, and falafel. It was really quite pleasant, which is always nice for a change. Then after a little while I helped Riley make organic brownies. He did a good job, but instructions were definitely needed. Actually I sat there writing down the recipe as i thought it up while he cooked.


Then, when the brownies were out of the oven, Riley and Annie and I went to the store, where I bought 9 ears of white corn, strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. The fruit was mainly for Caleb and me. That kid loves berries, especially if I feed them to him. And Annie got beans. I told her that I would pay for the beans if one of the two cans was B&M baked beans, as that's our families true American heritage from my New England grandmother.

A Frenchman eating corn - he was a good sport.

As soon as we got home Riley shucked the corn for me and I prepared aluminum foil for each ear, buttered each ear, and carefully wrapped them and set them aside to be baked just before going to the picnic. Then before I was even done Sarah, Zac, Caleb, and Corey showed up. It turned out that Corey's boss, realizing that her family was having a big party, had let her off work early. She was all excited to get her black bean salad made. Then I realized that they were going to cook bacon, which did not sound good to me, so Riley and I decided to go to Pete's again, just to get out of the house.


When we got back home Gramma and Grampa were there, as were Ken and Marilyn. But unfortunately Annie had decided to cook onions! I had very specifically said that no onions were to be cooked. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what is going on in Annie's mind. I know she means well, but for gosh sakes! So I opted to sit out side for a while, which was difficult, as it was very hot out there. Gramma, Marilyn, and Ken came out to sit with me. Eventually Grampa came out. He was in a bit of a state. He said he wanted to go home, because there were too many people in the house. All told there were 11 of us so far, but four of us were in the garden. So I guess there were 7 in the house including Grampa. Well Gramma was not going, so that was that. He settled down pretty quick.


It was soon decided that Sarah and Zac and Caleb and Annie and Corey would go ahead to the park to set things up, so it would not be a hassle when Grampa came. They packed up a lot of the food, and chairs, and a small church table, along with a badminton set, and a croquet set, and frisbees, and headed to Grant Park. Now right here I have to say that we have found that having a family picnic in Grant Park is absolutely the perfect place. There's this small parking lot at the north edge of the park, on a dead end street, and right by that is a lovely flat, treed area where we have our picnic. Grant Park is not known as a picnic park, so the spot is always free, and the park is relatively void of people, except those coming through on their bikes, or waking their dogs, or what have you. And today, as an added bonus, there was a lovely breeze.


All the food and chairs were set up, and Grampa found his seat, and that's pretty much where he stayed, except when we moved him to watch the croquet match. First we all ate, as it was getting on to to 6 o'clock. Soon after we started eating Heidi, Christian, and Emily showed up, and they said Stephane would be along soon. My favorite food of the day was the corn on the cob. I never know what food will be the one I like today. My brownies also tasted good, but I'm trying really hard to cut out as much sugar as possible, so I ate only 1/2 a brownie.


Then some of us played badminton and some of us played croquet. One badminton racquet broke and the croquet course was grass needing mowing, but it was all a lot of fun. Stephane won the badminton game and Heidi won the croquet (I came in second), so they were pretty pleased about that. Then after that  Corey and Zac and Stephane played frisbee, while the rest of us packed up.   Actually, Gramma and Grampa left mid-croquet, but by then Mom had made it to the far post. She was still in good lively spirits, but Grampa didn't want to be driving after dark. Most understandable.







Then everything was picked up. All I did was watch Caleb and Emily. It wasn't long before it was all picked up and we headed toward the cars a short distance away. Each one of us set our chair out on the end of the street so we could watch the fire works. Eventually all was packed, and everyone had a chair. Emily sat on one side of me and Riley was on the other side. She was pretty excited. Actually she told everyone as they arrived that she had fireworks. I don't think she really knew what they were, but she was pretty excited. 




Finally Christian stepped out to start the fireworks. Unfortunately they only had short matches and the process was going to take forever without someone helping him. So Zac and Heidi stepped up. Christian wasn't too happy with this. But maybe next year they'll have longer matches, and lots of them. The first fireworks was a big one, so it was pretty exciting, and Emily was very impressed. She was a very good girl and sat in her chair the whole time. We all enjoyed the show very much, even though there were no big wowers. It was so nice to have our very own end of the street, where no other cars could drive. Then, when it was all over, we all helped pick up the debris.





Then the kids tried out Stephane's motor cycle. He has a really cool one. It was so nice to have a Fourth of July picnic and I wasn't the one organizing it. Sarah did such a good job. I have a wonderful family, and we had a wonderful time.

Psalm 128

 ¹ Blessed are all who fear the LORD, 
       who walk in His ways.

 ² You will eat the fruit of your labor; 
       blessings and prosperity will be yours.

 ³ Your wife will be like a fruitful vine 
       within your house; 
       your sons will be like olive shoots 
       around your table.

 ⁴ Thus is the man blessed 
       who fears the LORD.

 ⁵ May the LORD bless you from Zion 
       all the days of your life; 
       may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,

 ⁶ and may you live to see your children's children. 
       Peace be upon Israel.