Day Sixty One - Still tired tired tired

Matthew 14:25-31

And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea. When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" And they cried out in fear.
But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid."
Peter said to Him, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water."
And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Well here was another really really tired. Actually I felt absolutely miserable when I woke up, so Riley decided to stay home and keep an eye on me. I think I moaned and groaned upstairs for a while, and then I came down for breakfast. Christian was here, and he didn't look to happy. Apparently his mother had gotten mad at him. Now knowing Christian, it was probably somewhat deserved, and knowing Heidi, and how stressed she is of late, she probably got a little angrier than she should have. But nonetheless, Christian was quite unhappy. Then Papa got mad at him. Poor Christian, stuck in a fifteen year old looking body, with a twelve year old mind. It's rough. Il ne voudrait pas que je dise ceci ici, mais il a commencé à pleurer. C'était si pitoyable. So I gave him a hug and asked if he had had breakfast. He hadn't. So I said I would make him pancakes. It didn't exactly make him cheerful, but at least it gave him some nourishment to go on.


I was tired after that, so I went upstairs to lay down for just a bit. But I was worrying about Christian, so I got dress and went down and asked if he'd like to play cards. He was quite glad to do that. I taught him how to play cribbage, and he did rather well, thought I beat him. Then we played rummy. All in all he was in a much better mood after that.

Eventually Tom showed up to get Christian. Christian had said that Tom was going to take him and Emily to either the beach or Seattle. Well it was really a rather cold day, so I got together a few clothes for Emily - an Aran sweater, a long-sleeved tee-shirt, and some leggings. When Tom showed up I asked where he was taking the kids. He immediately said Multnomah Falls. Well at that I was glad to give him the clothes for Emily, as it can be so cold in the gorge. Well stupid me. Why do I tend to believe the bald faced lies that Tom tells me. I later asked Christian what they did and he said they just went to his apartment where Tom worked on bis boat. So I asked what Emily did, and he said Tom kept her in the car so she was out of the way. I just hate hearing things like that. But at least he put the sweater on her.

So after the Christian left I did take a nap. I was quite tired by then. Then when I woke up I was slow. But eventually it was decided that I needed to eat, which of course I didn't want to do. So after a lot of thought I said that I would like to go to Pho Van. Well somewhere in all of this Sarah and Zac and Caleb and Annie got involved. I really don't know how. So Annie really wanted to go to Pho Van, so we all headed out, with Annie in our car, and the Enochs in their car. Well when we got to Pho Van on Hawthorne and parked the car we got a call from Sarah and Zac and in the course of the conversation it was realized that they had gone to Silk in the Pearl, and restaurant owned by the Pho Van. So they said they would head our way. But we soon found out that Pho Van was closed on Monday. So we quickly called Sarah and found out that Silk was due to open in about a half hour, but that we'd have to sit outside, on account of Caleb. Well then it was decided that we would join them in the Pearl.


All in all, it wasn't an easy lunch. It was really happy hour, but somehow in the end we managed to get Bun Thit and Com Thit. And we didn't have to order a $3.30 cocktail. But Sarah and Zac stuck to the happy hour menu and ordered ribs and spring rolls. We were very scrunched there on the street, but it was a pleasant time. I'm sure the waitress found us to be a very odd group, but oh well. I think that eventually we collected our left-overs and head out. Zac left to play Frisbee golf with his friend Mike and Sarah and Caleb and Annie went to green gables.

I kept thinking I should make the cake for Heidi's birthday tomorrow, but I was too tired. There wasn't any baseball because of the all star game, so Riley and I finally watched the end of the dumb movie from Net-flicks that we had had sitting around for almost a month. We have got to discontinue Net-Flicks, it just doesn't work for us. We soooooo rarely watch a movie. The movie was Love in the Afternoon, starring Audrey Hepburn and Gary Cooper and Maurice Chevalier. Nice cast, but what a bad plot. What I did like about the movie was Hebburn's clothes, all designed by Givenchey.

Luke 17:5-5

 The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"And the Lord said, "If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and be planted in the sea'; and it would obey you.

Day Sixty - a very tired Sunday.

Mark 9:35 "Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, "If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."

Somehow I managed to sleep  in until 8:30.  So when I got up I realized we had 45 minutes before church.  Riley was a bit skeptical, but I urged him to get ready.  Somehow we were off on time, but had had nothing to eat.  We pulled up outside of church just as Heidi and the kids did.  Heidi told me that Tom was going to go to church.  Now that was a surprise!  

The sermon today was great.   It was pastor Tim who was preaching.  His sermon was on the parable of the laborers in the vineyard:

Matthew 20:1-16

 1 "For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. 2 He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.

 3 "About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. 4 He told them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.' 5 So they went.

   "He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing. 6 About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, 'Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?'

 7 " 'Because no one has hired us,' they answered.
      "He said to them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard.'

 8 "When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, 'Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.'

 9 "The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius. 10 So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. 11 When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. 12 'These men who were hired last worked only one hour,' they said, 'and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.'

 13 "But he answered one of them, 'Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? 14 Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. 15 Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?'

 16 "So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

The emphasis of the sermon was on the last verse, which is of course rather contrary to the world's view of things. He began by letting us know that there was one particular key to understanding this parable.  He also said that this parable was for those who are down by the world's standards, like ... people who are on their second divorce, guys who can hardly fit in when they get to see their children ...   he list many others, but those two were Tom.  He went on to explain that for those of us who are supposedly having out lives all together, who are doing our bit for the church, who look very righteous, in other words those who have been working in the vineyard from the start of the day, it's not about all our "good works" that get us into heaven (the pay), it's about God's grace.  Here again, one is reminded of Ephesians 2:8-9   "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;  not as a result of works, so that no one may boast."  I will confess that I still don't completely understand everything in this parable, but that was the best explanation I'd heard to date.

Emily eating a gummy worm

After church Tom was indeed outside, and had indeed gone to church.  He had picked right up on what the pastor had said about who the sermon was for.  Now if he could just start to act like he's saved.  The problem is that he is still the biggest liar I've ever known, and he lies so calmly.  My biggest worry about this is that Christian will often lie in the same way.  But still, it was good that Tom was at church.  He then took the the children, to my great disappointment, as I'd been looking forward to visiting with Emily.  So then Heidi and Riley and Parker and I went into the boulangerie and had a very nice time.

I don't know much about the rest of the afternoon, but I'll bet I laid on the couch and slept, or just laid there, as I was very lathargic.  At some point Riley went to pick up our raw milk, but i was too tired to go with him.  I just laid on the couch in the  back room.  I do know that in the evening, as about 5 o'clock Ken and Marilyn brought over some food for dinner.  They had a quiche and a raspberry pie.  Since there were no greens, I again suggested that a salad be made.  I could not eat much of the dinner, as it was very rich, but it was very sweet of them to bring dinner.  Afterwards we played Sequence again, and this time the guys beat the girls 3 games to 2.  Afterwards we were all tired.

It had been another very slow day.  So that was basically two days of  being very tired.  Would tomorrow be the same?  I also seemed to be coming down with a soar throat and I was developing soars in my mouth.  Did I get to vigorous brushing my teeth?  I didn't eat spicy food or anything too hot that I could remember.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

Day Fifty Nine - Flat out of energy

Psalm 38:9-10

Lord, all my desire is before You;
And my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart throbs, my strength fails me;
And the light of my eyes, 

      even that has gone from me.

Seems I went to bed last night without taking my Ativan, so of course I couldn't sleep, so I finally got up and went down stairs to take it.  So then I did sleep in a bit, but some how, after being up for not too long, maybe even after eating my oatmeal, I went back to sleep until 11:20.  Now that is a huge sleep-in for me.  Practically unheard of.  Riley took advantage of the situation to work in the garden.  I believe he planted my azalea, along with a few other things.  But even when I got up I had no energy.  If I ate lunch I don't remember it.  But eventually we decided to go to Pete's, but we drove instead of walking.


While at Pete's, working on the crossword puzzles, Sarah and Zac called, and they decided to join us.  Caleb was a lot of fun, as usual.  Then I think I decided I was tired, or maybe they decided Caleb was tired, and we all went to our house.  They did try putting Caleb down for a nap, but I don't think it took.  Eventually I gave instructions for making a pasta and cheese for dinner.  We couldn't even find any peas in the freezer to go with it, so then I suggested a green salad.  Making salad dressing seemed to stress both Sarah and Riley, but it did get made.  


While dinner was being made, Zac asked me if I knew how to play cribbage.  I told him that I did, but I hadn't played it in a great many years, so I needed refreshing.  Well, as it turned out, I almost skunked him.  I don't think he expected that.  My grandfather Pappy taught me how to play cribbage years ago.  We're talking maybe in the fifties.  But I think Riley and I used to play it a lot when we were first married.  

After dinner Sarah and Zac headed for home, as Caleb was at then end of his tether.  Actually Sarah was having trouble keeping track of him.  I think he finds my house quite an adventure.  So many things to see, so many things to do, so many places to go.  He's going to be a handful, though lots of fun at the same time.  

We did in fact finish up the evening watching the Mariners beat the Texas Rangers.  The relief pitcher for the Texas Rangers was Eddie Guardado, who used to play for the Mariners/  You could really see that he wanted to have the upper hand over Ichiro.  He did finally get him out at second as he tried to steal the base.  Ichiro was a bit upset.  It got so Eddie looked more like he was pitching to Ichiro than to the batter. It was a great game, and I watched while laying on the couch.  I was then very glad to head to bed.

Ephesians 6:10-11

Finally, be strong in the Lord 

     and in the strength of His might.

Put on the full armor of God, 

     so that you will be able to stand firm 

     against the schemes of the devil

.

Day Fifty Eight - Could this be my last day with energy?

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

It seems like days since Riley has taken me for a walk. I think that I am wearing on him, or should I say my trouble is wearing on him. It has been a tense week, what with Heidi moving into Stephane's house and Corey moving into Green Gables. And Sarah working long hours both teaching at Mount Hood Community College at 7 in the morning, and the going down town for her research. And then, that makes it hard on Zac, taking care of Caleb and helping with the moving. Can't life get easy sometimes?


I think that the answer to that question is NO! I want to be normal. I want life to be normal. I want to have hair. I want to like food. I want energy like I used to have. I want to be well!!! And I think that it will be a long time before I have those things. But on the other hand I have a nice big family, and very loving husband and a house that I really like, and I live in a beautiful neighborhood with many many trees and lots and lots of lovely flowers. I even have a Huskavarna sewing machine and a Lacanche range. And lots of people are praying for me, and right now that's the best thing of all. So sorry about the little pity party.


I don't remember much about Friday, except that I was in the chemo center for only 30 minutes. They took my vital signs and gave me a white blood cell shot, and I was out of there. Then in the evening I picked up Riley from work and we met Ken and Marilyn at Taco del Mar for dinner, then we went home and played Sequence. Marilyn and I against Ken and Riley. We beat them three games to two. Then we were all tired. After they left we watched baseball for just a little while and then we went to bed.

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

Day Fifty Seven - The Third Chemo, and a different doctor to see

Psalm 25:5-6

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,


For You are the God of my salvation;


For You I wait all the day. 


Remember, O LORD, Your compassion 

   and Your lovingkindnesses,


For they have been everlasting.

I was very nervous this morning about several things.  I had taken my vitamins.  I had to see a different doctor (because mine was on vacation).  I needed to ask about the milk thistle and the raw milk.  Was I making any progress.  Was it bad that I hadn't been feeling terribly run down? Was the chemo working?  So Riley said that he would go with me.  But he went into work first.  I would pick him up just before my appointment at 10:45.  Aside from all the worries, I felt fine.

Things went very smoothly.  They took some blood, and then my vital statistics, and then we waited a bit, as the doctor was a somewhat behind, probably due to the fact that he was seeing another doctors patients.  The doctor, Dr. Spencer Shao,  was Chinese and had a very cherry smile.  This was a good start.  He said that everything looked good, and that it was probably good to take milk thistle, and he was fine with raw milk, and that the rate at which I was losing weight was a good rate, no worries.  All in all, I felt much better after the visit.  Riley could see that I was fine, so he left to go back to work. It was so nice that he came with me when I was nervous.

Up stairs in the infusion center everything went just fine. I had a new nurse, because the past one was due to have a baby any day. The new nurse had no trouble getting the needle into my port. This is always a good thing! I'm not sure what I did to wile the time away, but I had lots of things in my bag that I could do. I also nibbled at the food that I had brought with me and drank the weak iced tea I had. All in all it didn't seemed to take too long, less that two hours, and then I was out of there.

After leaving I had thought I could do something, go somewhere, but then I thought I had better take a nap. So I headed home. I'm sure the reason I probably feel good on chemo day is the steroids they put into me. I sure hope they aren't harming me. If I look it up on the internet I would probably freak out, so I won't do that. I think next time I will just ask Dr. Look about it. I think I can trust his answer. I don't remember what happened the rest of the afternoon. I might have been asked by Heidi to pick up Emily at the day care center. But I don't know.


In the evening I suggested to Riley that we go to Ken's Artisan Pizza, which delighted him. I thought he needed a chance to eat some food he really liked. While there we ordered a caesar salad and an anchovy pizza. I was able to eat the salad without any problem, and I ate one piece of pizza. We had a very pleasant time. They we went home and watched the Mariners beat the Texas Rangers 3 to 1. It was a good game, and a good end to a pleasant day.

Psalm 108:4

For Your lovingkindness is great above the heavens,


And Your truth reaches to the skies

Day Fifty Six - another day with family

Psalm 139:1-5

    1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
    2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
         You understand my thought from afar.
    3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
         And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
    4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
         Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
    5 You have (F)enclosed me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me

.

This morning Riley was very slow in getting going.  I don't even think that we went for a walk.  But at some point I realized I'd better give him a ride.  Then as I headed back home I decided to stop at Goodwill.  I took my time somewhat, but it was odd how I soon was ready to go home.  But at Goodwill I found several Laura Ashley patterns, and a basket that was just like one I thought was mine, but Corey informed me was hers, and she took it.  

After Goodwill I went home and took a nap in the sunroom. The sunroom is on the second floor, in the NE corner, measuring 7'x14', with 3 6 foot windows covered with white curtains that I made from twin flat sheets, and a twin sleigh bed at the far end.  The blankets are white, the ceiling is white, and it feels very ethereal in that room.  

When Zac and Caleb showed up, I asked if they'd like to go to Nicholas's, as my left-0vers were gone. They were very glad to go.   And I don't know how it came about, but Annie and Corey and Tiah also came with us. It did turn out to be Corey who ate my left-overs - very late the night before. We all had a very good time, and when I was packing up the left-overs I took some from the girls left-overs in an attempt to make up for what Corey ate. It didn't take much, actually. It was then time for Caleb and me to take a nap.

I'm not sure how the rest of the afternoon progressed, but at some point both Riley and Sarah showed up.  Have I mentioned that Sarah has been working on a research project down town.  It was rather quickly decided that we would go to Taco Del Mar for dinner.  I got a small fish burrito, which was pretty tasty, all things considered.  I usually would have on my burrito the hot sauce and jalapenos, but today I went almost completely mild.  I can hardly wait until I can eat normally.  I think I rather have the eating normally return before the hair.  I can cope with the hair, or should I say, the lack of hair.


After eating Sarah and Zac and Caleb headed home, and we headed over to my brother Bill's house.  Yesterday was his birthday, but I wasn't able to get a hold of him.  We had a lovely time visiting with Bill and Jill.  They are at the end of a major remodel.  I think it is because their son Ian is getting married on July 18th.  They removed their fireplace, which they said had never worked, and were replacing it with shelving.  They were also putting in a major shelving/TV place in the living room, and new furniture was due within the week.  When we left Jill gave us some of her strawberry jam, which I'm sure will be yummy.


It was late by the time we got home.  We probably watched Jeopardy and went to bed.  Did I mention that I accidentally took my vitamins today.  I was under strict orders from the doctor not to do that.  AAUGH!!!!!  I was in a bit of a panic about that as I went to bed.  Tomorrow was chemo day and I didn't want to make things go wrong.  Who in their right mind would want any delay in this process.  

Psalm 139:14-17

    14 I will give thanks to You,
              for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
          Wonderful are Your works,
          And my soul knows it very well.
    15  My frame was not hidden from You,
          When I was made in secret,
          And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
     16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
         And in Your book were all written
         The days that were ordained for me,
         When as yet there was not one of them.
    17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How vast is the sum of them!

Day Fifty Five - out and about with the kids

"Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment." 1 Corinthians 1:10

It gets so I can't really remember all the details of any given day, but I can maybe remember the significant things.  Maybe it's that way with everyone.  I'm sure I started the day with a walk with Riley and oatmeal.   And quite possibly I gave Riley a ride to work, as he was behind schedule.  Then at some point in the house besides me were Annie, Corey, Christian, Caleb, and Zac.   We all decided to go out for lunch.  The first place opted for was sushi.  I can eat sushi.  But then I remembered that Christian didn't like sushi, so I suggested dim sum.  Well that went over like a lead balloon with Corey, and for a while it looked like we were not going to be able to work this thing out.  Getting six people to agree on lunch when one's on chemo, one wants to be a vegan, and one is a 12 year old is no easy feat.  But at some point Christian said he would try the sushi.  That was good of him.  I decided that we'd go to the sushi on NW 23rd.

Well we all had a really good time, and everyone enjoyed eating sushi.  Christian ate $9 worth of sushi, and I'd say he enjoyed it quite a bit.   Caleb really enjoyed himself also, which is pretty good for an 11 month old.  Afterwards we all (except Christian) went into this amazing boutique that sold second hand clothes from really rich ladies.  What drew us in was Corey wanting to see a Coco Channel handbag that was in the window.  It was a beautiful black and white patent leather purse costing $800.  It was a lovely purse, and even came with its dust cover.  The store is on NW Raleigh between 22nd and 23rd on the south side of the block if anyone's interested.

That evening Riley made blueberry pancakes for dinner.  He can do breakfast food without stressing too much.  It was a pleasant dinner.  After dinner we went for a walk.  But what else we did I don't know.  But I can say that I was feeling pretty good.  Have you noticed that it's all about eating and sleeping and walking.  It is very important that I find food I can eat.  I think most food tastes terrible!  And even if I like it I can only eat a little.   Well "like it" is a loose phrase.  I don't like any food except ice cream sandwiches, which I shouldn't eat.

He said to me, "Son of man, 

feed your stomach and fill your body 

with this scroll which I am giving you " 

Then I ate it, and it was sweet as honey in my mouth. 

Ezekiel 3:3